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My First Gift From the Daycare

After only 1 week, I already received my first gift from the day care center.

Was it the green snake painting Gabe made?

Noooooo

How about the red mask painting Gabe made?

Nope

Or maybe the hand and footprints he made?

Nuhuuh

You could try a few wobbly steps...

But that would be wrong

Oh no my friends....we were gifted our first illness.

Not just any illness....the stomach flu.....and all three of us had it at the same time.

And not just any stomach flu...the kind where you puke so much the next day all the muscles in your trachea, chest, back, and lungs are too sore to breath or swallow.

Ahhh yes, good times had by all.

Let me just tell you. Nothing in life or parenting can prepare you for the hell that is trying to care for a diarrhea baby when both parents can't keep their stuff in from either end. Believe you me.

The First Week Back

Oy with the poodles already!**

The first week back was a blur but mostly I'm grateful that it is over. Here is a little day by day recap:

Monday - Wake up at 5AM and remember how much I loathe 5AM. Wake a sleepy Gabe at 6:30 so that he can realize how much he loathes 6:30 (what can I say, the boy likes his sleep). I drop him off at the daycare and he doesn't cry, mostly because he is too intrigued about all the toys. I don't cry either....thank goodness. Arrive at work and spend the next 5 hours not getting anything accomplished because everyone wants to stop by and talk to me (which was nice by the way). I check on Gabe twice and they say he is doing great. Once 2pm rolls around, I bust out of that place like a bat out of hell. I have butterflies in my stomach because I just want to see my boy. I arrive at the center and practically run to his room. When I get there I see a very gray faced shirtless boy sitting on the changing table. It turns out he started to puke at about 2:15. He continued to puke for several hours even after we arrived home. At about 4:00, he fell asleep in my arms. About an hour later he woke up and played, ate dinner, took his bath, and went to bed...no worse for the wear.

I think he was puking because he was overstimulated, overtired (he won't nap at the center), and nervous about being away from me. As I said, he didn't cry at all so I think this is how his anxiety showed itself. Apparently he wants to be like his mom.

Tuesday - Again up a 5AM, after a night of no sleep. I am anxiety ridden about Gabe puking again today. Now I feel like I'm going to puke. Again, he doesn't cry when I drop him off, though he does watch my every move. I call every hour to check on him. At work I realize the following:

What has changed:

The toilet paper holders
My office (or lack of permanent residence)
The phones
My boss
Most certainly me
What stayed the same:

Ummm....everything else. I swear, it was like I didn't even leave for 7 months.
Once again, at 2PM I book it out of there, even more butterflies in my stomach. When I arrive this time, Gabe is playing with one of the other assistants. All the other babies are sleeping. Once he sees me he crawls as fast as he can towards the door. He had a great day and no puking. Once at home, he acts like his normal self. I am relieved.

Wednesday - I wake up at 5:15 after hitting snooze several times. Gabe also wakes up at 5:15 and won't go back to sleep. I find him jumping in his crib like its a trampoline when I go to get him. Same drill as all the other days. When I call to check on him I find out he is painting. I tear up and wish I could have seen that. I suspect someone stole from our bank account when I see that it only has $75 in it but come to find out, nope we really are that poor. When I arrive to pick him up, he starts to cry because he can't get to me. I find out he made a friend, a little girl with a similar personality as his (very calm and laid back). They like to play in the train tunnel together, crawling back and forth. How cute is that? Once we arrive home, Gabe only wants to be held. He cuddles in our lap the whole night, which is unusual for him. He's not really a cuddler, he'd rather be up and about. If I leave the room he starts forlornly crying, "mama mama mama mama". He is EXHAUSTED since he still isn't napping. He has a total melt down during bath time and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the crib mattress.

Thursday - I wake up at 5:30 after snoozing even more times. I have to wake a sleepy Gabe at 6:45. He is not happy. When I drop him off he watches me like a hawk and crawls along behind me all over the room. When I walk out the door, I hear him start to cry. Work feels long and again I have butterflies in my stomach when I drive to pick him up. I find him playing with one bluish foot. Apparently they did hand and foot prints today. Again, he had another great day and even slept for 30 minutes. However, he refuses to drink from his sippy cup while he's there. They also tell me he's the favorite of the center (already, in a week?). I guess when they go on buggy rides around the center, everyone likes to come out and hug him. He is quite huggable. He cries again when I arrive and once I pick him up, he won't let me put him back down. At home, he is CRA-BBY. He won't let me hold him or touch him. He gets frustrated with all of his toys. I end up putting him down for a half hour. He is a little happier once he wakes up, however he still giving me the cold shoulder. I am very glad, I don't work on Fridays. I think the boy needs a couple days at home.

So that was the first week back in a nutshell. How was your week?

**Any Gilmore Girls fans out there?

Answering Your Questions and a Few Bonus Tidbits

Thanks to those of you that asked questions. I will try to answer most, if not all of them. But first:

Bonus Tidbit #1 - Gabe started crawling today mere days before his first birthday! Its not pretty nor fast but he's doing it. I thought the day would never come.

Bonus Tidbit#2 - I am totally baffled...flattered....but definitely baffled, on being included as a must read blog in Adoptive Families. I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be in the magazine. In fact, when people started e-mailing me about it, I thought they were pulling my leg. I have to say in all honesty that I can think of many more suitable blogs than mine. I certainly wouldn't classify this blog as a "Must Read". Not by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I'm extremely flattered.

For my readers on Blogspot, my inclusion in the magazine had nothing to do with the removal of my pictures and going password protected. Unfortunately, those actions were necessitated by an event that was more of the negative variety.

OK, on to your questions........

1. Did I suffer from post adoption depression?

Yes, I did suffer from PAD for several months. At first, this was more of a result of Gabe's trouble adjusting. I have to admit, it was a bit of a let down in the beginning. Couple this, with feeling overwhelmed and desperate and you get PAD. I didn't feel like a mom at first. We didn't have love at first site and huge ooshy gooshy feelings. I was fiercely, maternally protective over him, but not head over heels in love. On days that Ben had to work late, I felt desperate and questioned whether I would make it through the day. These feeling lasted for about the first 2 months.

After the first 2 months, I wouldn't say that I necessarily had PAD but I did have a general melancholy. This is going to sound weird but, one of the hardest things in life is actually attaining your dream. Why, you ask? Well, my whole adult life I have been striving to achieve something. First, I wanted to finish college with all A's.....then Ben and I wanted to get married and pay for the wedding ourselves......next we worked towards buying our first house...meanwhile we spent almost 5 years trying to build a family. We've accomplished all of these things and that is wonderful...but now what? There has never been a time that I haven't been working towards something, until now. So I am left floundering, attempting to get my bearings straight so I can find a new path to travel down. I need a new bright light to walk toward. Until I figure that out, I'm left standing still and truthfully, I am very uncomfortable with that.

2. How does Gabe handle being away from us?

I have to admit this a bit of a blow to my self esteem but, he doesn't mind. With one exception, he has never gotten upset when we left him with our parents or in the nursery at church. I used to wonder if this was a sign that he wasn't fully attached to us, but now I don't think this is the case. This is just Gabe's personality. He LOVES new places, faces, situations, etc. He gets really bored when its just the two of us at home all day for several days in a row. He is actually a very self confident, independent little boy and I'm really proud of him for it (not that I can take the credit). That being said, he doesn't really like other people to put him to sleep or get him from a nap. My mom has told me he gets a concerned look on his face. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

You can read more about our attachment experience here.

3. Advice for those of you going to pick up your babies

First off, I would say make a visit trip. When you make this visit trip, make sure to take time to see some of the country BEFORE you spend time with the baby. If you plan to sight see after wards, you won't want to. I guarantee it. We made this mistake. I know what you are thinking, "but I would never be able to leave after seeing the baby". No doubt about it, its hard as hell....but so very worth it. You get a chance to know your foster mother a bit and ask questions. It was such a relief to me to meet our foster mom and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Gabe was being loved when we couldn't be with him. A visit trip is kind of like a test run. You get to learn about the temperament of the baby, what to pack and what not to, what the flights, the food, the country, the hotel are like. When we went back for our pick up trip, we were not stressed at all. It was kind of like going home. Also, if you can, please, please take time to visit the country. This is will be invaluable to you and your child later on. Its a beautiful country with beautiful people and in my opinion, Guatemala City doesn't do it justice.

Check to see if your foster mother will be coming and going via a cab (you can ask your attorney beforehand). If not, offer to pay for a cab. We didn't know about this and I feel bad about it still.

Bring both a stroller and a carrier/sling for the pick up trip.

Make an effort to learn some Spanish and use it. You would be amazed at how much respect you will get just for trying, even if you are terrible at it.

Bring a few different types of bottles and nipples. Gabe was really picky and would only take one kind. Also, bring something to widen the hole. He would get really frustrated with slow bottles.

Ask your doctor to prescribe Cipro and take it with you. If you even get a hint of feeling sick, start to take it. There is nothing worse than trying to care for a screaming baby and feeling like you are going to hurl at the same time. Trust me, I know.

Remind yourself over and over that its not your fault if the baby screams. Just take a deep breath and do the best you can. With time it will get better. I promise. Just because other babies in your hotel stopped screaming and your baby has not, don't give up hope. All babies are different.

DON'T be rude, demanding, impatient, and especially loud. Americans have a horrible reputation for being all of these things. Do your part to not further this rep.

If your baby won't calm down, try taking him/her where people are speaking Spanish. Gabe would calm down better when we were around Mayan faces and Spanish voices. In fact, 6 months later he is still attracted to these features.

Write down all of your questions to the foster mother beforehand because you will most likely feel overwhelmed and forget.

Ask your foster mother to show you how she comforts that baby. This was THE MOST important piece of information we received.

I think Guatadopt has a pamphlet that lists a bunch of great information. I would definitely download the brochure (our agency wrote it, so we received it in our information binder).


4. What did I look for in a Daycare?

I really wanted a center (even though initially we were going to go with someone we know). I like the idea of someplace big that had set, established rules/procedures etc. I wanted a place that would have accountability for the teachers. I wanted a place that was somewhat structured and attempted to teach them things. The center we chose is huge and takes children all the way to 13 (it is an old Elementary school building so it even has a gym). I've spent several hours there, over two days with the class. Watching the teachers interact with the kids and Gabe. All the rooms are large, and have tons of natural light (I'm a freak about natural light), very bright and exciting. This center has a transitional toddler room that babies can move to between 12 and 18 months once they hit certain milestones. I really like this idea, especially for my little guy whose a little on the slower side. Every time I have been at the center I had a good feeling about it and Gabe seemed really comfortable as well.

I don't really have a particular philosophy I subscribe to. My big things are that the teachers are educated and the program is structured. I want an environment where Gabe can learn at his own pace comfortably. I think, similar to choosing an adoption agency, you do all the research you can, and then you trust your gut...or mother's intuition...whatever you want to call it. I do, however, firmly believe that you should let kids be kids. I know there is a big movement to get your kids in the perfect preschool, private school, etc. I feel like the big pressure of perfect education is too much. Sure I want Gabe to learn and be smart. What parent doesn't want that? But, I want him to play and have fun. There's plenty of time during adulthood to feel the pressure of the fast track of success. He doesn't need to start that now...or even 12 years from now. That is just my opinion.

Note: Sometimes when I share that opinion with people I know, they stare at me like I have three heads. I swear, I'm not trying to dumb down my kid. I just want him to live his life and explore a bit.....maybe even become his own person (Gasp!).

5. Do I get less comments about how young I look now that I have Gabe?

Unfortunately, no. However if I'm out with Gabe, people spend more time trying to figure out our relationship instead of how old I am. I'm not sure that's a positive trade off, but what can you do?

6. Did I like my agency?

We started out with a horrible, horrible agency. As I've mentioned before, we wasted 10 months with them before we switched. We ended up working with Adoption Associates, Inc., and I LOVED them. They were great. In 100% honesty, I don't have a single negative thing to say about them. Not a one. We worked with the Farmington Hills, MI office, but also dealt with the main office from time to time. Every person we came into contact with was outstanding. I would absolutely use them again in a heartbeat. In case you are wondering, no they didn't pay me to say that. We contacted them after receiving a recommendation from a coworker of mine at the time. He adopted through their China program and was very happy with them as well.

7. How do we plan on including Gabe's birth culture in his life?

As with most things in life, this list will evolve over time as we see what things Gabe finds important. Here are some of our ideas, thus far:

Beginning when he is old enough to start to understand, we would like to take regular trips to Guatemala. Its important to me that he is able to visit his birth city, the city his birth parents live, and any other place he is interested in visiting. We've done extensive travel to the more remote areas of Guatemala, so we are not afraid to go off the beaten path (safely of course).

Language and culture camps

I truly wish to find a group for Guatemalan adoptees, but MI doesn't have one. I would make my own, but I am a TERRIBLE organizer.

Availability to books, movies, art, etc that depict Hispanic culture in a positive light.

As he gets older, I want us to do research together about Mayan culture and Guatemala. I would like us to put together a book of the things we learn together. This is in lieu of a scrap book that I would put together. Instead we will do it together. I think this will be a good, interactive way for him to learn about his birth culture and his adoption.

We have been sponsoring a Guatemalan girl for several years already. I would like to continue this and make sure that Gabe is involved in the correspondence. The group that does the sponsoring does do trips so that you can meet your particular child.

I want to make it a point to prepare Guatemalan dishes on a regular basis

Celebrating Guatemalan holidays

Talking, talking, and more talking.

I desperately want him to be proud of his birth culture. I know I cannot be perfect but I will do the best I can to achieve this. If any of you have ideas you would want to share about this, I would be thrilled to hear them. Its silly if we don't try to learn from one another.

OK, I think I answered all of the questions. If you have anymore or want me to expand on anything, let me know.

Typepad Site Access Follow Up

OK, I think I answered all the password protected site requests. If you sent me an e-mail, but did not receive a reply and would still like to request access, please send me another e-mail. I did have some trouble with Hotmail returning e-mails as undeliverable. Sorry for the inconvenience.

PS - Lesley in Australia. Can you please send me your e-mail address? I don't have it so I couldn't send you the password. Thanks.

The Post in Which There is Excessive Use of Caps

So yesterday I took a trip to visit the daycare I was planning on using. Unfortunately, its not going to be a good fit for Gabe or for me. I was more than disappointed, I was distraught. I cried all the way home and then sobbed even harder on the phone with Ben. Let's just say snot bubbles were involved in that conversation. I was overwhelmed, stressed, and did not want to leave my baby with anyone else. Add this to the fact that I am expected back in the office in three weeks and I couldn't find a center that either a) accepted infants or b) accepted infants and had an open slot. Fortunately, by the time Ben returned from work I had managed to pull myself back together and set about making some phone calls. All I can say is, when people advise you to start researching child care early......BELIEVE THEM AND DO IT! If I'm being honest here, and I am, I have no one to blame for this predicament but myself. My advice, nail down your child care plans before the little one comes home/is born. You will thank me for this later (e-mails will be fine, no cards necessary).

Anyway, I think I found a place I really like today. Unfortunately, the head infant room teacher was out sick so I need to go back there on Friday to meet her. Unless my overprotective nature deems her psycho, I think this will be the place. Gabe really seemed to like it as well. He played with the other babies and toys and even turned his charm on the other teacher. It was like he had always been there. I could have walked out the door and he wouldn't have even noticed. The bad part is it is much more expensive and if I told you my take home pay after child care you would CRACK UP and ask me WHY BOTHER. I don't like to talk specifics but lets just say it will be in the double digits. Um yeah. Whoopy.

Seriously, I would like to write about something other than child care......but unfortunately, the topic is all consuming at the moment. Hopefully, that is drawing to a quick close though.

Tagged Again

Julie tagged me so here it goes..

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago I was a senior in high school (shut up, yes I'm young). Loser boyfriend and I had split and I was exerting my new independence with a lot of drinking and partying with a girl I should NOT have trusted. In a few short months, I would ask Ben to prom.

2. What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was at a really low point a year ago. The OGS was heating up, we lost our first referral (bm tested positive for HIV), and we couldn't get our previous craphole agency to give us a notarized copy of our homestudy we had bought and paid for almost a year prior. But things were about to turn around (slightly) because 11 days later Gabe would be born and we would find out about him only 4 days after that.

3. Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Barbeque Chips
2. Chocolate covered pretzels
3. Pumpkin bread
4. Frozen egg rolls (oohh, I could go for that right now)
5. Any other kind of chip, cracker, or salty snack.

4. Five songs to which I know all the lyrics
Just 5....oh man! I'll pick 5 that mean a lot to me.
1. This is your life (Switchfoot)
2. Faith my eyes (Caedmon's Call)
3. Get to me (Train) - This was my Gabe song while we were waiting for him
4. Never had a dream - This was my song about the baby I lost
5. Beautiful (Plankeye)

5. Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Adopt again.......and again another time.
2. I would definitely NOT be going back to work
3. Open the compound (we always joke about this with my IL's and friends). It would be this huge piece of land where Ben's parents, my parents, and our best friends would all have our own houses. It would have water and golfing (for the guys) and we would all be close together.
4. Get rid of the crappy, falling apart Escort
5. Donate a ton more money towards helping Guatemalans

6. Five bad habits:

1. Not doing the dishes. I LOATHE doing dishes.
2. Spending way too much time on the computer
3. Spending too much money on food
4. Eating from boredom and not from hunger
5. Watching way too much TV

7. Five things I like doing:

1. Listening to music
2. Spending time with family
3. Eating
4. Reading
5. Working in the yard

8. Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:

1. Pegged pants or parachute pants for that matter
2. Anything flourescent pink, green, blue, or green
3. Earrings (I'm allergic)
4. Anything that is extremely trendy. I don't do trends (I'm pretty boring like that).
5. Daisy dukes and cropped shirts (um yeah...those days are done)

9. Five favorite toys:
1. Digital camera
2. My computer
3. My TV
4. My stand mixer....I love kitchen gadgets, but this by far is my favorite.
5. My straightener

If you would like to do this go for it. I'm feeling a bit lazy this morning and my coffee is getting cold. Plus, I think I just heard Gabe. The little punk woke me up at 7:15 and then went back to sleep until 8:30. I hate when he does that. But he does sound sweet on the baby moniter shouting "da da dA DA DADADADADADAD".

Its a Date!

I am proud to announce, finally after almost 6 months, Ben and I are going on a date. I even received a promise from Ben not to talk about how much he misses Gabe, or wonders if he's OK, etc. Its a New Year's miracle. This evening I will be dropping the boy off with family and then Ben and I are going to dinner and a movie. Ah sweet bliss, I don't even remember what it is like to be alone-together anymore.

To be honest, I miss my husband. I miss the long talks we used to have. I miss being silly and going out, and I know he does too. We still have a great relationship but I underestimated how much of a strain kids put on a marriage. Its hard to make that extra effort to connect each day when all I want to do is be by myself for those precious few free hours. Its tough because Gabe pretty much saps me each day. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to give to him. He deserves this and there will come a time when he isn't so needy. However, at the end of the day its difficult to scrape the very bottom of my emotional barrel and say, "I'm sorry love, but this is all I have left."

Like anything else, I guess marriages evolve and change as you move through life. We are still just trying to get a feel for this new path we are on.

Sorry for the Long Delay

Things have been/are a bit crazy over here. The craziness includes, but is not limited to; out of state family being in state for a few days, the on-going situation (OGS) heating up to panic inducing proportions, and a little plumbing incident that has now left me and The Gabbers with no running water. Not mention, the insanely scary sounds that were coming from our pipes and shaking the entire first floor of our house.

Sigh. I hope this isn't a sign of what 2006 is going to be like.

I have a bunch of ideas running around in my head, I'll try to post in the next day or two when things hopefully settle down a bit.

Small Change of Plans

I think I may actually keep this site up and running in a modified form. I struggled with password protection because I would still like my site to be available to others, however I did want to protect my son. So here is the plan.

I will be posting the same entries both here and on the Typepad site with a few exceptions. The Typepad site will remain password protected and will contain gratuitous pictures and posts of a more personal nature (such as the on-going situation).

What does this mean?

1. If I have already given you access to the Typepad site, you can ignore this site since it will just be a stripped down duplicate of the Typepad site.

2. If you have my link on your blog, can you please continue to point to this site? I would really appreciate it.

3. If you would like to view the pictures, please send an e-mail to stilhoping12@hotmail.com and tell me a little about yourself and include a link to your site if you have one.

Thanks everyone!