Life Changing Event - Part 1 Miscarriage
My beta confirmation of my preganancy was on August 1, 2001. Ben and I were shocked and absolutely terrified. Having a baby sounded like a great idea until we actually became pregnant. We told everyone we could get a hold of, including making an announcement at a large family gathering and in front of the whole church congregation. We were so incredibly naive at the time. As far as we were concerned, there was no such thing as miscarriage.
On Monday, August 5 there was a message on the machine asking me to call the OBGYN but no explanation as to why. I immediately began to panic thinking if they didn't state why I needed to call, then it must be bad. Unfortunately, they were already closed for the day. I called early Tuesday morning and of course, the nurse wasn't available so I was left waiting for her to call me back. Finally, five hours later she did and said they wanted me to take another test because my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was low. She told me not to worry, that it was probably just because I was very early in my pregnancy. I went back and had my blood drawn once again on Wed. August 7.
Ben and I were supposed to leave that Friday to go camping up in the UP to celebrate our one year anniversary. We were both very excited about it since we hadn't taken a vacation since our honeymoon. Plus, we had a lot to celebrate. I got the results from my second beta on Thurs and they said my numbers were doubling appropriately. We went out that evening and bought all of our camping food and began to pack up for departure.
Throughout the week I had been noticing some brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. However, I wasn't overly concerned about it since I had heard from others that this was common. Friday, I was set to work a half day and that morning when I went to the bathroom I had some red spotting. I called my mom and she urged me to call the doctor. I decided to take her advice and spoke with the nurse once again. I expected her to tell me its no big deal, that this was common. Instead to my shock she became nervous. She told me not to go camping and to come in and have an ultrasound and another beta. She also wanted me to be on bedrest. I hung up the phone and burst into tears at my desk with all of my coworkers walking by me.
We went to the local hospital on Saturday and had another beta done and scheduled the ultrasound for Monday. Ben and I bought a little stuffed rabbit at the store for the baby in hopes of cheering ourselves up and then sat around the house. I was beginning to get pregnancy symptoms (sickness, fatigue, sore boobs etc). We watched movies and made homemade ice cream with the ice cream maker Ben gave me as an anniversary present. We went out to my favorite restaurant with my parent and Ben's parents for our anniversary.
We both had Monday off from work since we were supposed to be out of town. We went back to the OBGYN for the ultrasound. Ben closely watched the monitor but told me later as I was getting dressed that he couldn't see anything. The tech of course, wasn't allowed to tell me anything. Afterward we waited in the nurse's office for her to tell us what they saw and the results of our previous beta. I remember sitting in these huge red stuffed chairs, Ben and I whispering small talk to one another. I don't remember what we talked about. . .I'm not sure why but I wish I could. Finally, the nurse came in and told us that the beta was fine, but the ultrasound was only showing a sac and no fetal poles. She suggested that maybe I was earlier than I thought. I knew this was impossible and told her so, because I know when I ovulate. She totally discredited me. She said I could go back to work but to take it easy. I was also to come in and have another beta in a week.
At this point in the month, time begins to blur. I don't remember a lot about the sequence of the next few weeks. I know I visited my grandma, and her and my mother had been rummage sale-ing and bought us many onesies, a diaper bag, and a beautiful bassinet. I threw up in the shower because my cat yakked on the bath rug and then preceded to eat it. I told my best friend that I was terrified to let my self love the baby because I didn't know what was going to happen. Ben and I became convinced that it was a girl. We picked out the names Emma Louise and Jackson Robert. I learned sour things calmed my stomach, and craved anything with mustard (and lots of it). I depised anything tomato-y. I remember it was sooooo hot and we didn't have air conditioning.
Labor day weekend we went on a family vacation to King's Island (amusement park) with my in-laws, and Ben's brother and sister-in-law, and my 3 year old nephew. We had a wonderful time. I was somewhat tortured though because I absolutely LOVE roller coasters and I wasn't allowed to ride them. I was really anxious the whole time about the baby. I was constantly checking to see how sore my boobs were and nervously watching the toilet. One morning I passed a small clot in the hotel toilet. I remember sticking my hand in the water to pull it out to check and make sure it didn't have any tissue in it. It didn't, but afterward I sat on the bathroom floor in my T-shirt and underware and cried quietly, as to not wake up Ben.
The Thursday, after Labor Day, I had another ultrasound appointment. The lady was incredibly gentle and she showed me my ovaries, bladder etc. I remember her being very kind. I asked her if she could please tell me if something was wrong, that I couldn't live in limbo any longer. She said unfortunately, I had to wait to talk to the nurse, that she wasn't at liberty to make any judgement calls. I knew, without her telling me that it was over. Friday, I got a phone call from the OBGYN, she said "the nurse wants to talk to you. Please come in whenever it is convenient". (Oh gosh, writing this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. It was over three years ago and here I sit sobbing). I told my boss that I had to leave (he knew I was pregnant and that things weren't going well). He asked me if everything was OK and I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and answered shakily, "I don't think so, but that's what I'm going to find out". I called Ben and woke him up (he was still working nights). I told him he didn't have to meet me there, that I would be OK.
I remember sitting in the waiting room for about an hour (which I think is rather cruel). I sat by another lady who was the same amount of weeks along as me. She showed me the picture of her ultrasound and there was a little person there, with legs and arms. I burst into tears and wailed, "my ultrasound never showed that." She moved seats, and wrapped her arm around me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I think the receptionist saw that and finally called me in. When the nurse finally came into the room she sat down and pulled her chair right in front of mine. I was shaking and crying and said, "its over isn't it". She told me I had to listen to her, because I was going to want to hear what she had to say later, even if I didn't care now. I only really remember snippets. She explained what a blighted ovum was (even though I didn't actually have a blighted ovum I came to find out). She told me it wasn't my fault. She said, it was a baby and I had a right to grieve. I remember her having tears in her eyes. She said I could have a D&C or I could miscarry on my own and to call her in a few days when I decided. I was a mess and she wanted to call Ben to come and get me, but I said no. Finally, after what felt like forever, I left with a whole box of tissues.
Ben was waiting in his pajamas at the house, I came in the back door and sobbed, "I lost the baby". We stood there hugging in the kitchen as we both cried. After I composed myself, I had to call my mom, grandma, and boss (to say I wasn't coming back to work that day). My mom said, she was doing some research on the internet and knew that things weren't going good. After a few hours, I began to feel a little better. At least I wasn't in limbo anymore. Ben and I went to see my in-laws new house since they were moving that weekend. After Ben went to work that day I got a few books from the library to keep my mind off things. My parents called and came over. They asked me if I wanted anything, I said "A 2-liter of Coke" (I love Coke and had given it up when I found out I was pregnant).
I decided not to have a D&C, which I deeply regretted later. I will forever be angry with the nurse who told me it would only be like a heavy period. It took four weeks before I began to bleed (and I even had pregnancy symptoms during that time period). Once I began bleeding I actually had labor pains. I passed enormous clots of tissue (the size of a ping pong ball) on several occasions. This went on for about 2 weeks off and on. At one point, I could bleed through a tampon, thick pad, and my underware/pajamas in about 15 minutes. Other times, I would bleed so hard that I would get dizzy. They only gave me Ibuprofin for pain, so I would take 1600 mg at a time (which wouldn't help at all). After the initial two weeks of heavy bleeding, I spotted for two more with no sign of stopping. As it turned out, my body couldn't actually miscarry the entire pregnancy and I had to have a D&C anyway. I was really angry about that. Especially when my dr asked me, "why didn't you have a D&C in the first place". Uuhh, because YOUR nurse told me it would be no big deal! I think one of the worst aspects of all is knowing that I flushed my baby down a toilet. How awful is that. I wish I would have had the prescence of mind to pull out the tissue and maybe bury it. I guess I can't do anything about that now.
I think Ben and I went through oscillating emotions for about two years. I still think of Emma almost every day. I know she would have had blonde hair and blue eyes. Would she be able to sing as good as her daddy? Would she have my hands or feet? What would her first word have been? She would've been born around April 5, 2002 so she would be walking and talking. Maybe she would understand a little about Christmas. Would I have been dressing her up in a red velvet dress with white tights and black patent leather shoes? Would she be hanging up the "Baby's First Christmas" bulb I bought for her instead of me? I guess I don't really know how it would have gone. But I miss her and I'm sad that she was only here for so short of a time. I'm so happy that she was and that I had her inside of me. . . .but I miss her.. . I miss her alot.
On Monday, August 5 there was a message on the machine asking me to call the OBGYN but no explanation as to why. I immediately began to panic thinking if they didn't state why I needed to call, then it must be bad. Unfortunately, they were already closed for the day. I called early Tuesday morning and of course, the nurse wasn't available so I was left waiting for her to call me back. Finally, five hours later she did and said they wanted me to take another test because my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was low. She told me not to worry, that it was probably just because I was very early in my pregnancy. I went back and had my blood drawn once again on Wed. August 7.
Ben and I were supposed to leave that Friday to go camping up in the UP to celebrate our one year anniversary. We were both very excited about it since we hadn't taken a vacation since our honeymoon. Plus, we had a lot to celebrate. I got the results from my second beta on Thurs and they said my numbers were doubling appropriately. We went out that evening and bought all of our camping food and began to pack up for departure.
Throughout the week I had been noticing some brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. However, I wasn't overly concerned about it since I had heard from others that this was common. Friday, I was set to work a half day and that morning when I went to the bathroom I had some red spotting. I called my mom and she urged me to call the doctor. I decided to take her advice and spoke with the nurse once again. I expected her to tell me its no big deal, that this was common. Instead to my shock she became nervous. She told me not to go camping and to come in and have an ultrasound and another beta. She also wanted me to be on bedrest. I hung up the phone and burst into tears at my desk with all of my coworkers walking by me.
We went to the local hospital on Saturday and had another beta done and scheduled the ultrasound for Monday. Ben and I bought a little stuffed rabbit at the store for the baby in hopes of cheering ourselves up and then sat around the house. I was beginning to get pregnancy symptoms (sickness, fatigue, sore boobs etc). We watched movies and made homemade ice cream with the ice cream maker Ben gave me as an anniversary present. We went out to my favorite restaurant with my parent and Ben's parents for our anniversary.
We both had Monday off from work since we were supposed to be out of town. We went back to the OBGYN for the ultrasound. Ben closely watched the monitor but told me later as I was getting dressed that he couldn't see anything. The tech of course, wasn't allowed to tell me anything. Afterward we waited in the nurse's office for her to tell us what they saw and the results of our previous beta. I remember sitting in these huge red stuffed chairs, Ben and I whispering small talk to one another. I don't remember what we talked about. . .I'm not sure why but I wish I could. Finally, the nurse came in and told us that the beta was fine, but the ultrasound was only showing a sac and no fetal poles. She suggested that maybe I was earlier than I thought. I knew this was impossible and told her so, because I know when I ovulate. She totally discredited me. She said I could go back to work but to take it easy. I was also to come in and have another beta in a week.
At this point in the month, time begins to blur. I don't remember a lot about the sequence of the next few weeks. I know I visited my grandma, and her and my mother had been rummage sale-ing and bought us many onesies, a diaper bag, and a beautiful bassinet. I threw up in the shower because my cat yakked on the bath rug and then preceded to eat it. I told my best friend that I was terrified to let my self love the baby because I didn't know what was going to happen. Ben and I became convinced that it was a girl. We picked out the names Emma Louise and Jackson Robert. I learned sour things calmed my stomach, and craved anything with mustard (and lots of it). I depised anything tomato-y. I remember it was sooooo hot and we didn't have air conditioning.
Labor day weekend we went on a family vacation to King's Island (amusement park) with my in-laws, and Ben's brother and sister-in-law, and my 3 year old nephew. We had a wonderful time. I was somewhat tortured though because I absolutely LOVE roller coasters and I wasn't allowed to ride them. I was really anxious the whole time about the baby. I was constantly checking to see how sore my boobs were and nervously watching the toilet. One morning I passed a small clot in the hotel toilet. I remember sticking my hand in the water to pull it out to check and make sure it didn't have any tissue in it. It didn't, but afterward I sat on the bathroom floor in my T-shirt and underware and cried quietly, as to not wake up Ben.
The Thursday, after Labor Day, I had another ultrasound appointment. The lady was incredibly gentle and she showed me my ovaries, bladder etc. I remember her being very kind. I asked her if she could please tell me if something was wrong, that I couldn't live in limbo any longer. She said unfortunately, I had to wait to talk to the nurse, that she wasn't at liberty to make any judgement calls. I knew, without her telling me that it was over. Friday, I got a phone call from the OBGYN, she said "the nurse wants to talk to you. Please come in whenever it is convenient". (Oh gosh, writing this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. It was over three years ago and here I sit sobbing). I told my boss that I had to leave (he knew I was pregnant and that things weren't going well). He asked me if everything was OK and I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and answered shakily, "I don't think so, but that's what I'm going to find out". I called Ben and woke him up (he was still working nights). I told him he didn't have to meet me there, that I would be OK.
I remember sitting in the waiting room for about an hour (which I think is rather cruel). I sat by another lady who was the same amount of weeks along as me. She showed me the picture of her ultrasound and there was a little person there, with legs and arms. I burst into tears and wailed, "my ultrasound never showed that." She moved seats, and wrapped her arm around me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I think the receptionist saw that and finally called me in. When the nurse finally came into the room she sat down and pulled her chair right in front of mine. I was shaking and crying and said, "its over isn't it". She told me I had to listen to her, because I was going to want to hear what she had to say later, even if I didn't care now. I only really remember snippets. She explained what a blighted ovum was (even though I didn't actually have a blighted ovum I came to find out). She told me it wasn't my fault. She said, it was a baby and I had a right to grieve. I remember her having tears in her eyes. She said I could have a D&C or I could miscarry on my own and to call her in a few days when I decided. I was a mess and she wanted to call Ben to come and get me, but I said no. Finally, after what felt like forever, I left with a whole box of tissues.
Ben was waiting in his pajamas at the house, I came in the back door and sobbed, "I lost the baby". We stood there hugging in the kitchen as we both cried. After I composed myself, I had to call my mom, grandma, and boss (to say I wasn't coming back to work that day). My mom said, she was doing some research on the internet and knew that things weren't going good. After a few hours, I began to feel a little better. At least I wasn't in limbo anymore. Ben and I went to see my in-laws new house since they were moving that weekend. After Ben went to work that day I got a few books from the library to keep my mind off things. My parents called and came over. They asked me if I wanted anything, I said "A 2-liter of Coke" (I love Coke and had given it up when I found out I was pregnant).
I decided not to have a D&C, which I deeply regretted later. I will forever be angry with the nurse who told me it would only be like a heavy period. It took four weeks before I began to bleed (and I even had pregnancy symptoms during that time period). Once I began bleeding I actually had labor pains. I passed enormous clots of tissue (the size of a ping pong ball) on several occasions. This went on for about 2 weeks off and on. At one point, I could bleed through a tampon, thick pad, and my underware/pajamas in about 15 minutes. Other times, I would bleed so hard that I would get dizzy. They only gave me Ibuprofin for pain, so I would take 1600 mg at a time (which wouldn't help at all). After the initial two weeks of heavy bleeding, I spotted for two more with no sign of stopping. As it turned out, my body couldn't actually miscarry the entire pregnancy and I had to have a D&C anyway. I was really angry about that. Especially when my dr asked me, "why didn't you have a D&C in the first place". Uuhh, because YOUR nurse told me it would be no big deal! I think one of the worst aspects of all is knowing that I flushed my baby down a toilet. How awful is that. I wish I would have had the prescence of mind to pull out the tissue and maybe bury it. I guess I can't do anything about that now.
I think Ben and I went through oscillating emotions for about two years. I still think of Emma almost every day. I know she would have had blonde hair and blue eyes. Would she be able to sing as good as her daddy? Would she have my hands or feet? What would her first word have been? She would've been born around April 5, 2002 so she would be walking and talking. Maybe she would understand a little about Christmas. Would I have been dressing her up in a red velvet dress with white tights and black patent leather shoes? Would she be hanging up the "Baby's First Christmas" bulb I bought for her instead of me? I guess I don't really know how it would have gone. But I miss her and I'm sad that she was only here for so short of a time. I'm so happy that she was and that I had her inside of me. . . .but I miss her.. . I miss her alot.
posted by stilhoping12 at
12/11/2004 01:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
What a horrible thing you 2 have been through. I hope that writing about it all can ease things a little...but I do understand not wanting to do it all at once, it's a tough road to go down again.
You are a great writer.
By
Tiff, at 10:13 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home