A few of my favorite Christmas memories

This blog is in loving memory of my Grandma. . .. who I miss terribly. Christmas will never be the same without her.


I've been feeling a little nostalgic the last few days as I've been doing my Christmas shopping and baking while listening to 24 hours of Christmas music on the radio station that has been playing the holiday tunes non-stop since the day before Thanksgiving. It seems that the songs never change from year to year and many of them bring up some really great memories of Christmas-es past. I thought maybe I would share a few of them. . . more for me than for any other reason.

When I was a kid I used to look forward to Christmas all year round. In fact, I used to start a countdown in July. The kind where you write down the numbers in descending order from 180 to 1 and then "X" one off each night . Oddly enough, it wasn't even the presents I was looking forward to. See, my extended family was really small. I had one grandma/grandpa, two great grandmas, one great grandpa, two uncles and their wives. I don't know any of my relatives on my dad's side due to a family disagreement. For the bulk of my childhood, my younger brother and I did not have any cousins. Even though the family was so small, we really only all got together on Christmas Eve. This tradition began with my great grandparents (Nanie and Popie). They used to throw huge parties on Christmas Eve and we would stay out late. eat, and open presents. There was always plenty of booze for the adults. Since my brother and I were the only kids, we always got a lot of gifts and attention. There was a ton of laughter. Later, after Nanie and Popie moved into an apartment, my parents began to host the party in our basement. I would always help to dust and clean up. Then I would put on my brand new Christmas dress (which most of the time was homemade by my mom). Everyone would come over and bring a dish. My mom always made fudge and lasagna. Some years we would celebrate at my grandparents farmhouse. When I was really young (until about 8), I would get so excited that I would make myself physically ill. I would usually spend the first half of the day yakking up my breakfast (much to my mother's dismay). When I got a little older (but still pre-teen years) I used to choreograph a jazz dance well in advance and put together some crazy costume and "perform" for all the guests (so glad we didn't have a camcorder). One time to the heavy metal song "Love Bites" and once to the Carpenter's version of "Sleigh Ride". The "Sleigh Ride" performance even featured my best friend from down the street and my brother as the DJ. AND in case you are wondering. . .Yes. . . .it was entirely my idea. In fact, I probably embarassed my parents more than myself. Another year, I employed my Easy Bake Oven and whipped up a few batches of peanut butter cookies the size of quarters for everyone.

My mom never wrapped Christmas presents (she hated to) so they would set out all of the presents during the night. We weren't allowed to leave our rooms in the morning until they woke up. Then we would walk out to the living room at the same time and be totally overwhelmed. My parents really didn't celebrate birthdays or buy us random toys at the store but, they went overboard during Christmas. The toys would take up half the living room. It would sometimes take us a least a day to really look at all the gifts. My brother and I each had a side of the Christmas tree. We would build forts out of our toys that would box in our side. My mom would let us leave the toys there for at least a week. Eventually, we would check out the other's fort. Later in the day, my grandparents would come by and look at our presents and have dinner.

Some of the my more specific favorite holiday memories are as follows:

The year my grandma had a little to much and passed out on our coach wearing a cow apron with her hands folded like she was praying (yes, we have pictures). My mom then traded presents with her and my grandma was never the wiser.

When I was in seventh grade, my mom had to work Christmas Eve and she didn't want my brother ("A") and I to spend the day alone. She had my grandparents come by and pick us up (this was perfect for me because the farmhouse was my absolute favorite place to be on earth). It was 10 below zero and I was wearing teal coolotes (with nylons and teal socks) and a teal, fushia, and black sweater and black dress shoes (are you jealous?). My grandma fixed A and I fried SPAM sandwiches. She could make anything taste like the best thing you ever ate. A few hours later, but prior to the party, my mom and my great grandma came over as well. While the rest of us sat in the living room we all listened to great grandma sing "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer" and tried not to laugh so we wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Many years later, when I first started college and was dating Ben, the same great grandma backed into my new car and broke off the bumper. No one really knows why she didn't turn the steering wheel, but instead crept ever so slowly down the driveway and right into my car. Then, she drove off and didn't even stop to see the damage. My parents called the police to make a report for insurance purposes. The next day my great grandma cried into the phone to my grandma, "and L (my mom) called the police on me". Every year after that we always sang, "K's car got ran over by great grandma, driving home from our house Christmas Eve". As a side note, I did make $60 bucks off the insurance company on that little fix.

The year my mom bought a puppy without asking my dad. Since our house was full of guests, he couldn't say anything about it. Luckily, he's pretty easy going.

When Christmas dinner was served over at the farmhouse, we didn't have a kiddie table (since it was just A and I). We got to eat on the stairs with little card tables. Later when we did actually get a few cousins, we were promoted. The little kids had to eat at the bottom stair, but we got to eat on the higher up stairs (exciting stuff man).

One Christmas I received a new doll as a gift. The doll had a round open mouth to accomodate the plastic bottle that came with her and separated fingers so that she could hold toys. My grandpa stuck a lit cigerette in her mouth and made her hold a beer (we also have a picture of this). While the rest of my family laughed hysterically, I cried. Then they laughed at me for crying (this is funny to think about now, but wasn't at the time).

Just to give my brother equal embarrassment. One year he received a microphone that plugged into your typical stereo. This was the same year that "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" came out, which happened to be his favorite movie at the time. He decided to test out the microphone by singing into it while doing the Pee Wee Herman dance in front of everyone.

When we were kids, A used to come into my bedroom on Christmas morning once he woke up. We used to sit and talk about what we thought may be under the tree. Then, being the typical big sister, I would talk him into going into my parents bedroom to try to wake them up. "The plan" always consisted of something subtle like, "Hey A, just crawl in there on your stomach until your next to the bed where they can't see you and then cough really loud. That way they will wake up and they won't know its you in there". Shockingly, "The Plan" never worked.

The Christmas I was seven was the year of the Cabbage Patch craze. I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll so bad. Christmas Eve, I woke up in the middle of the night and snuck into the living room with on of those pens where you squeeze the pocket clip and the flashlight on the end of the cap turns on. I carefully shined the little light on my presents until finally I found the doll. Then I snuck back into bed beaming from ear to ear.

My brother and I fought over two ornaments on the tree. A flat plastic hologram Christmas Tree from a Lucky Charms cereal box and a Little Ceaser's $2 off 2 pizza coupon in the shape of a bulb with the three Little Ceaser guys on it. I would sneak around and move both over to my side of the tree. The next day he would steal them back. Right now, those two ornaments are hanging on my Christmas tree. Someday, when my brother gets married, I'm going to give him one as a wedding present. I'm not sure which one though.

I guess I could go on and on spelling out my memories. The truth is, I feel like Christmas is going through some sort of metamorphisis in our family. What is left of our family (which isn't much let me tell you) no longer gets together. As a result of our IF, there are no children in the family to carry on the magic of the Holiday. We are all kind of waiting for things to balance out a little. In the meantime, Ben and I are creating our own traditions. We always decorate the tree together to the Carpenter's Christmas album. We share the time between his family and ours. I welcome the blend of the two families and relish in their traditions as well. It has helped to fill the hole of my family's traditions which are now limited to only memories. Maybe next year there will finally be a little one to share it with. Maybe. . . just maybe. . .. . but then again, we've been saying that for four years now.

Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope your Holiday is filled with magic and with peace.

Heard in our household yesterday

Ben: Honey, have you seen my paint chips for the church?

Me: (in the shower) No, they've been laying around the house in various places so much that I am no longer able to keep track of them.

Ben: Oh

Me: I mean, you are not really the best at organization.

Ben: I only required a yes or no answer

Me: Wait. . . come back here, are you mad at me?

Ben: No, just hurt

Me: (Yelling because he left the bathroom) Honey. . . HoNEY. . . HONEY!!!!

Ben: What

Me: At least you didn't super glue your fingers to a ceramic snow man

Ben: (silence)

Me: What I'm trying to say here is that we balance each other out.

Ben: Where is the balance between being disorganized and gluing your fingers to a snowman?

Me: I'm not sure. . . maybe that's unsolvable even by the greatest mathmatician.


I've decided to hold off awhile before continuing my four part "Life Changing Events" series because they run kinda heavy. Its almost Christmas and the holidays are going to be hard enough as it is dealing with the present, let alone the ugliness of my past. Plus, I'm already feeling emotionally raw after yesterday's adoption events which I will also explain in a later blog.

Life Changing Event - Part 1 Miscarriage

My beta confirmation of my preganancy was on August 1, 2001. Ben and I were shocked and absolutely terrified. Having a baby sounded like a great idea until we actually became pregnant. We told everyone we could get a hold of, including making an announcement at a large family gathering and in front of the whole church congregation. We were so incredibly naive at the time. As far as we were concerned, there was no such thing as miscarriage.

On Monday, August 5 there was a message on the machine asking me to call the OBGYN but no explanation as to why. I immediately began to panic thinking if they didn't state why I needed to call, then it must be bad. Unfortunately, they were already closed for the day. I called early Tuesday morning and of course, the nurse wasn't available so I was left waiting for her to call me back. Finally, five hours later she did and said they wanted me to take another test because my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was low. She told me not to worry, that it was probably just because I was very early in my pregnancy. I went back and had my blood drawn once again on Wed. August 7.

Ben and I were supposed to leave that Friday to go camping up in the UP to celebrate our one year anniversary. We were both very excited about it since we hadn't taken a vacation since our honeymoon. Plus, we had a lot to celebrate. I got the results from my second beta on Thurs and they said my numbers were doubling appropriately. We went out that evening and bought all of our camping food and began to pack up for departure.

Throughout the week I had been noticing some brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. However, I wasn't overly concerned about it since I had heard from others that this was common. Friday, I was set to work a half day and that morning when I went to the bathroom I had some red spotting. I called my mom and she urged me to call the doctor. I decided to take her advice and spoke with the nurse once again. I expected her to tell me its no big deal, that this was common. Instead to my shock she became nervous. She told me not to go camping and to come in and have an ultrasound and another beta. She also wanted me to be on bedrest. I hung up the phone and burst into tears at my desk with all of my coworkers walking by me.

We went to the local hospital on Saturday and had another beta done and scheduled the ultrasound for Monday. Ben and I bought a little stuffed rabbit at the store for the baby in hopes of cheering ourselves up and then sat around the house. I was beginning to get pregnancy symptoms (sickness, fatigue, sore boobs etc). We watched movies and made homemade ice cream with the ice cream maker Ben gave me as an anniversary present. We went out to my favorite restaurant with my parent and Ben's parents for our anniversary.

We both had Monday off from work since we were supposed to be out of town. We went back to the OBGYN for the ultrasound. Ben closely watched the monitor but told me later as I was getting dressed that he couldn't see anything. The tech of course, wasn't allowed to tell me anything. Afterward we waited in the nurse's office for her to tell us what they saw and the results of our previous beta. I remember sitting in these huge red stuffed chairs, Ben and I whispering small talk to one another. I don't remember what we talked about. . .I'm not sure why but I wish I could. Finally, the nurse came in and told us that the beta was fine, but the ultrasound was only showing a sac and no fetal poles. She suggested that maybe I was earlier than I thought. I knew this was impossible and told her so, because I know when I ovulate. She totally discredited me. She said I could go back to work but to take it easy. I was also to come in and have another beta in a week.

At this point in the month, time begins to blur. I don't remember a lot about the sequence of the next few weeks. I know I visited my grandma, and her and my mother had been rummage sale-ing and bought us many onesies, a diaper bag, and a beautiful bassinet. I threw up in the shower because my cat yakked on the bath rug and then preceded to eat it. I told my best friend that I was terrified to let my self love the baby because I didn't know what was going to happen. Ben and I became convinced that it was a girl. We picked out the names Emma Louise and Jackson Robert. I learned sour things calmed my stomach, and craved anything with mustard (and lots of it). I depised anything tomato-y. I remember it was sooooo hot and we didn't have air conditioning.

Labor day weekend we went on a family vacation to King's Island (amusement park) with my in-laws, and Ben's brother and sister-in-law, and my 3 year old nephew. We had a wonderful time. I was somewhat tortured though because I absolutely LOVE roller coasters and I wasn't allowed to ride them. I was really anxious the whole time about the baby. I was constantly checking to see how sore my boobs were and nervously watching the toilet. One morning I passed a small clot in the hotel toilet. I remember sticking my hand in the water to pull it out to check and make sure it didn't have any tissue in it. It didn't, but afterward I sat on the bathroom floor in my T-shirt and underware and cried quietly, as to not wake up Ben.

The Thursday, after Labor Day, I had another ultrasound appointment. The lady was incredibly gentle and she showed me my ovaries, bladder etc. I remember her being very kind. I asked her if she could please tell me if something was wrong, that I couldn't live in limbo any longer. She said unfortunately, I had to wait to talk to the nurse, that she wasn't at liberty to make any judgement calls. I knew, without her telling me that it was over. Friday, I got a phone call from the OBGYN, she said "the nurse wants to talk to you. Please come in whenever it is convenient". (Oh gosh, writing this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. It was over three years ago and here I sit sobbing). I told my boss that I had to leave (he knew I was pregnant and that things weren't going well). He asked me if everything was OK and I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and answered shakily, "I don't think so, but that's what I'm going to find out". I called Ben and woke him up (he was still working nights). I told him he didn't have to meet me there, that I would be OK.

I remember sitting in the waiting room for about an hour (which I think is rather cruel). I sat by another lady who was the same amount of weeks along as me. She showed me the picture of her ultrasound and there was a little person there, with legs and arms. I burst into tears and wailed, "my ultrasound never showed that." She moved seats, and wrapped her arm around me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I think the receptionist saw that and finally called me in. When the nurse finally came into the room she sat down and pulled her chair right in front of mine. I was shaking and crying and said, "its over isn't it". She told me I had to listen to her, because I was going to want to hear what she had to say later, even if I didn't care now. I only really remember snippets. She explained what a blighted ovum was (even though I didn't actually have a blighted ovum I came to find out). She told me it wasn't my fault. She said, it was a baby and I had a right to grieve. I remember her having tears in her eyes. She said I could have a D&C or I could miscarry on my own and to call her in a few days when I decided. I was a mess and she wanted to call Ben to come and get me, but I said no. Finally, after what felt like forever, I left with a whole box of tissues.

Ben was waiting in his pajamas at the house, I came in the back door and sobbed, "I lost the baby". We stood there hugging in the kitchen as we both cried. After I composed myself, I had to call my mom, grandma, and boss (to say I wasn't coming back to work that day). My mom said, she was doing some research on the internet and knew that things weren't going good. After a few hours, I began to feel a little better. At least I wasn't in limbo anymore. Ben and I went to see my in-laws new house since they were moving that weekend. After Ben went to work that day I got a few books from the library to keep my mind off things. My parents called and came over. They asked me if I wanted anything, I said "A 2-liter of Coke" (I love Coke and had given it up when I found out I was pregnant).

I decided not to have a D&C, which I deeply regretted later. I will forever be angry with the nurse who told me it would only be like a heavy period. It took four weeks before I began to bleed (and I even had pregnancy symptoms during that time period). Once I began bleeding I actually had labor pains. I passed enormous clots of tissue (the size of a ping pong ball) on several occasions. This went on for about 2 weeks off and on. At one point, I could bleed through a tampon, thick pad, and my underware/pajamas in about 15 minutes. Other times, I would bleed so hard that I would get dizzy. They only gave me Ibuprofin for pain, so I would take 1600 mg at a time (which wouldn't help at all). After the initial two weeks of heavy bleeding, I spotted for two more with no sign of stopping. As it turned out, my body couldn't actually miscarry the entire pregnancy and I had to have a D&C anyway. I was really angry about that. Especially when my dr asked me, "why didn't you have a D&C in the first place". Uuhh, because YOUR nurse told me it would be no big deal! I think one of the worst aspects of all is knowing that I flushed my baby down a toilet. How awful is that. I wish I would have had the prescence of mind to pull out the tissue and maybe bury it. I guess I can't do anything about that now.

I think Ben and I went through oscillating emotions for about two years. I still think of Emma almost every day. I know she would have had blonde hair and blue eyes. Would she be able to sing as good as her daddy? Would she have my hands or feet? What would her first word have been? She would've been born around April 5, 2002 so she would be walking and talking. Maybe she would understand a little about Christmas. Would I have been dressing her up in a red velvet dress with white tights and black patent leather shoes? Would she be hanging up the "Baby's First Christmas" bulb I bought for her instead of me? I guess I don't really know how it would have gone. But I miss her and I'm sad that she was only here for so short of a time. I'm so happy that she was and that I had her inside of me. . . .but I miss her.. . I miss her alot.

Life Changing Events - Prologue

OK. . so the truth is I suck at this blogging thing. As it turns out, I have no original thoughts. I had great intentions of blogging every other day but here I am almost three months later on only my second post. So much for that. I make no promises regarding the future but I'm hoping I will do better.

So wow, where do I start. I'm not even sure. I guess I will try to devote my next couple of posts to trying to describe what has been going on in our lives over the last four plus years. The things that forever separated who I was on July 29, 2001 to who I am now. It seems that was really the turning point in my life and not necessarily in a good way.

So here I bring you Part 1 in a 4 part series. . . . Miscarriage

Ohhh, wait, hold on a minute. I think before we get there I should start with the Prologue. Sorry to get you all excited. . . I mean who reads the prologues anyway right (except Ben)?

Prologue

In order to get to the miscarriage, I need to back up a few steps. My wonderful husband, Ben and I met in High School my senior year (1996). We were in the same Physics class and the minute he walked in the door on the first day I thought, that is the hottest guy I've ever seen (I know, I know, this is starting to sound like a John Hughes film). I think somewhere deep inside I knew I was going to marry him (cheesy and cliche. . .I'm well aware). Lucky for me we were seated alphabetically so I sat right behind him. I spent the entire year day dreaming about him and knowing he was way to good for me. Finally at the end of the year I got up the nerve to ask him to prom even though we never hung out and weren't even friends. To make a long story short, he said yes and we've been together ever since. We were married on Aug. 11, 2000.

I don't remember much about the wedding itself, it just seemed like a blur. However I do remember saying the vows. I remember Ben crying through his. I remember meaning every single word of them. I remember feeling like the luckiest person on earth to be marrying the most amazing person I had ever met. I remember thinking that this was just the beginning and we were about to embark on this fairy tale life. I had no idea what was in store for us before we would even hit the 5 year mark. Maybe the vows should have been more specific and should have read more like this:

"In miscarriage and infertility. . . In adoption and uncertainty. . . in family drug abuse and depression. . . in panic attacks and cancer. . . I promise to be true to you"

That would have been more applicable. I'm glad I didn't know how things would go because I would have been terrified and certain that I wouldn't be able to handle some of the things I've been through.

When we first started dating, we decided we didn't want to have children. We were young and had crazy ideas about how we were going to live our lives (turns out neither of us are all that adventurous in our "old" age). After my nephew was born in 1999, that changed. As our engagement wore on, the years until we planned to start our family dwindled. . 7yrs, 5, 3.. . . . I ended up coming off the pill one month after we were married. We spent the next few months terrified that I actually was going to get pregnant. We were both 22 and still in college living in a one bedroom 600 sqft apartment with no hot water, bugs, and a leaky roof (maybe we were more adventurous than I thought). Ben and I only saw each other on weekends since I was working days full time and going to school at night full time. He was working from 3PM until 4AM and getting up and going to school full time from 8AM until he went to work. As a side note, I don't know how we did that and still graduated with full honors (above a 3.95). We bought a house less than a year later and moved in early June 2001. We stopped thinking about having a baby, but didn't take any preventative measures since we had been at it for almost 8 months already and nothing had happened. We weren't sure how the financial end of owning a house was going to work at as two 23 year old college students.. . .(you can see what's coming here). Of course, wouldn't you know it, thats when I got pregnant.

I took two hpt's on a whim and got incredibly faint lines. I wasn't quite as hpt savy as I am now and didn't have any idea what to think. I called the obgyn and stuttered. . "uh, I think I'm pregnant". They had me come in and do the first of my many, many betas. That was the longest 24 hours I ever waited. I called the next morning the minute the office opened for my results. The nurse put me on hold for 5 full minutes while I literally held my breath until I was dizzy. As the blackness started to take over I heard, "Mrs. N, congratulations, you're pregnant".