On the Adoption Front. .. aka. .. Life Changing Event Part IV

First off I would like to say that I know I am jumping around a bit. I know I promised you a four part series on Life Changing Events and I will deliver. . .just most likely out of sequence. I needed to skip ahead to Part IV: Adoption, because right now it is most relevant. AND, given that it is most relevant, discussing Part II: Infertility, just doesn't make sense. Why bring a good day down. .. . know what I'm saying? So without further ado, I give you. .. Part IV:

So after the second cycle of trying to conceive after my major surgery turned out to be a big dud (OK, pretend like you know everything that led up to that statement. .. . eventually I will fill in the blanks. .. .work with me people), I was absolutely devastated. So many years, so many treatments, I just couldn't do it anymore. It was late on a Thursday, and I had started spotting at work. I remember sitting in my cube just wishing I could stop breathing and wither away. I didn't think I could deal with this anymore. While I was sitting there with my head in my hands I had this image that the Partner from the major CPA firm that does work for my company was riding on the elevator with me. We were having a conversation about something and he says, "you know my kids are adopted". It was weird because I never really talk to the guy. I didn't think to much about it and decided to plow through the rest of my day and throw myself into my work. I printed out an e-mail and walked down the hall to retrieve it. As it so happened, the partner was standing in the hallway talking to two of my coworkers. They were essentially straddling the hall in a triangle formation. I grabbed the paper and preceded to walk back through their triangle and right as I passed the partner he says, "my daughter was adopted". I felt all of the air rush out of my lungs. I hurried back to my desk and called my husband. Without even saying hello I spurted, "I don't want to do this anymore". His response was simply, "OK". And just like that, the decision was made. No long drawn out discussions, no analysis of our financial situation. . .just "OK". And that was that.

[Let me interject here to say I realize that it is improper to begin a sentence with the word "And". However, I prefer to write my blog as I would tell the story in person. Sometimes my thoughts just start with "And".]

This occurred the first week in February 2004. Earlier that summer, prior to my surgery, I had requested information from several adoption agencies in the event things didn't go well. I stashed them away quickly after feeling overwhelmed by the information. As soon as I was home, I tore through all of the information quickly narrowing down the options to two agencies. As you can see, once I get an idea in my head I run full speed ahead. I think I am physically incapable of making a decision and then mulling it over for awhile. I'm either running at full throttle or I'm not even in the car (much to my husband's dismay who is quite the opposite). One of the agencies wanted us to pay $50 to attend their information seminar. . .I thought that was crap and threw their info away. That left only one other option. We set up a meeting with the Guatemala coordinator a few weeks later and were impressed by what she had to say. A few days later we signed up with them and began to gather the necessary paperwork. Things seemed to be moving along pretty quickly. We started our homestudy in March, fingerprinted in April by the INS, and dossier completed in May. By June, we were only waiting for our INS approval (Form I-171H). We were informed the first week in August that we were first on the waiting list and were ecstatic. Every time the phone rang, I was convinced it was THE CALL.

Let me back up a bit. We had decided to adopt internationally (Guatemala specifically). This decision came rather easily. We knew we didn't want to do a domestic adoption because we didn't want to make portfolios and market ourselves. We didn't want to be at the mercy of waiting for a birthmom to choose us. We liked the idea of a waiting list (which you have in an international adoption). When it was your turn, you received the next baby. For us, after everything we had been through, this seemed so much easier to handle. Also, couples are fighting over US infants and we were OK with adopting a baby that wasn't going to look like us. We chose Guatemala for a few reasons: 1) You can bring home young babies, even as young as 4 mths. 2) The babies are in one on one foster care and receive well baby visits from birth as well as immunizations. 3) In 1999 we spent a month in Guatemala doing missionary work. We loved the children there and the country/people.

Anyway:

Several months went by and nothing happened. I would call the coordinator and she would take weeks to get back to me, even if I left several messages. She always had an excuse but I didn't really care. It only takes 5 minutes to call me and say, "I don't know anything". That would have been good enough for me. It was totally unacceptable to wait three weeks for her to call me back and then be short with me. I could understand if I was calling all the time, but I was only calling once a month. Every time she had a different story about why referrals weren't coming. Finally, in October we began to research new agencies. We didn't feel confident turning over our entire life savings to someone that couldn't even call us back. My husband called to tell her that we were thinking of leaving the agency and it took her weeks to return even that phone call. I think that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Thankfully, we had not paid them any money, but we had wasted 10 months of time with this agency. In early November we switched to our new, and wonderful I might add, agency. We had to redo our entire dossier (the paperwork that is sent to Guatemala) which was a large undertaking.

The week before Christmas, while we were still gathering paperwork and not yet on the waiting list, I received a call at work. It was our new coordinator who sounded very excited. She told me that a referral for a baby boy (only two days old) had come in and that we were the closest family to being paper ready. I was totally floored. This came as such a shock since we weren't even supposed to be eligible for a referral. I rushed out of work to gather up some the remaining paperwork and made a frantic call to my husband. It was the greatest moment to say to him, "Hi honey, we have a son". I alternated between wanting to cry, and then to laugh. I could hardly sit still. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of a time critical project at work with my boss and had to return. When I got back to work, I received another phone call from the coordinator who said, "I have some bad news, the birthmother tested positive for HIV so we are pulling the referral". I was stunned but at the same time not surprised at all. I should have remembered that we can never get a break. I slowly walked back to my boss's office attempting to compose myself. I managed to utter, "I have some bad news" and then began to cry in front of my male boss and three male coworkers. It was really embarrassing. My husband and I were really devastated. It was quite a rollercoaster of emotions in a three hour period. That night we went out with our best friends who helped us once again pick up the pieces of our shattered hopes (they are truly amazing friends). Not only did we lose a referral, but this tiny baby would now most likely never have a family, and a woman found out she has HIV. So much loss.

We tried to cheer ourselves up by saying, "at least we know we are next on the list" and "well, that is the closest we ever got". It didn't really help though. In the meantime, our old agency wouldn't sign and notarize another copy of our homestudy (that they performed) and suddenly we were fourth on the waiting list at best. It was a familiar feeling. . . .discouragement. We briefly talked about giving up on the whole thing and packing up all our stuff and moving to southern California. We were just going to scrap this attempt at life and start fresh somewhere else from the beginning. In the end though, we knew it wasn't really possible.

Adoption is funny in that it seems to go in fits and spurts. You can go months without any adoption related activity and then BAM, you are running around like crazy. We finally got a copy of the homestudy the week of the 10th of January. We were offered a baby that came in with a different lawyer than the one we had chosen to work with. This other lawyer on average would get babies home at around a year old, while our chosen lawyer could bring them home at 4 mths of age. It was a really hard decision to make after waiting so long. We didn't know how long we would have to wait for a referral from the faster lawyer (since we were third on the list at the time). AND to make things harder, we had a picture of the baby and he was adorable. I spent hours looking at his sweet little face. In the end, we decided to take our chances and turn down the baby and wait for a referral from our faster lawyer.

For a change, our patience paid off. On Friday, Jan. 21 we received a call from the coordinator. She had a referral for a healthy baby boy born on Jan. 17, 2005 (just 7 days after my birthday). Sooooooo. .. right now we have a son. A sweet baby boy whose face I have yet to see. I can tell you though, I love him already. . .. my son.. . my sweet baby Gabriel.