Sensitive Frustrations

Recently, I commented on a blog regarding openess in adoption. My comment stated that one of the reasons we adopted internationally was due to the fact that we didn't want to deal with the openness issue and how now, I am sad that Gabe will never have the chance to know his birth family. A later commenter somewhat responded to my comment to the effect that they wished they had a new pair of shoes for each time an international adopter expressed these same sentiments (paraphrased).

Ever since I read that I've been a bit miffed about the comment. As always I recognize that tone is hard to read so maybe the comment was harmless but it felt judgmental to me. I decided to write about it so that maybe it will stop bugging me. The purpose is not to attack the commenter.

We chose to adopt internationally for many, many reasons. When we initially began researching adoption, the plan was to adopt domestically. However, as we learned about the process we felt overwhelmed. The idea of openness, marketing ourselves, worrying about being chosen, no clear timeline, etc. was just too much with the pain of IF still so fresh. These initial reactions are what started us on the path of international. Once we really began looking at what we were OK with we decided the following:

1. We didn't feel the need to have a newborn. We did want a baby, but not necessarily a newborn.
2. We did not feel the need to have a child that matched our race.
3. Having already spent time in Guatemala, living with boarder families and in the remote villages, we felt we had a tie and strong appreciation for the culture.
4. We liked the fact that international adoptions had somewhat of a timeline (barring unforeseen changes).
5. There were babies there that needed families. (I know that this is also the case in the US as well).
6. International adoption felt right. Every time I thought about it, I became excited and hopeful. I did not feel the same excitement when I thought of adopting domestically.

There were many other reasons but these were the big ones. You see, it wasn't the openness issue that caused us to adopt internationally. It just happened to be one of the factors that started us looking in that direction in the first place. We were not being flip in our decision. There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that went into the decisions that we made. We recognized that these decisions did not only impact us, but any child that became part of our family. I do not regret our decision to adopt internationally at all. It was absolutely the right decision for this family, and I truly believe, for Gabriel.

I never, for even one moment, thought I could not deal with my future child's birth family. By that I mean, I would never disregard Gabe's feelings for them. I never planned to pretend like such feelings didn't exist. I was well aware of the fact that in order to be a good parent to Gabe, we would all have to be open and honest about his birth family. We were going to need to have clear, open lines of communication. I still haven't figured out the exact right way to honor them outwardly so that Gabe will always know how much they are valued by all of us. I think part of that will be a learning process as we go, but it will be. I think about Gabe's birth mother every day. I wonder how she is doing. I pray that she is healthy, that her employers are treating her well, that she feels at peace with her decision to release Gabe. I wish I could thank her and tell her I'm trying to be the very best mother I can be. It is amazing how we will always be connected even though all I have is a Polaroid picture of her. Her face is burned into my memory and always will be. I can also say with 100% certainty, that if Gabe ever wanted to try and find her, I would do my very best to help him. I would be there with him every step of the way.

What I have learned since Gabe's arrival home is that I would have eventually embraced an open adoption had we chosen the domestic route. However, we didn't choose that route, and in most international adoptions, it just isn't an option. No matter how much I wish it could be.

I guess what really frustrated me about this was that it felt like another case of feeling the need to justify the choices we made for our own family. I wish adoptive parents could bond together and support one another instead of judging each other.**

**This comment isn't directed at the above mentioned commenter. Like I said, it is hard to know tone on the internet. I did send her an e-mail but did not receive a response. That is fine, as a commenter on someone else's blog, she absolutely does not owe me a response.