Fan Day at The Big House

Today we took Gabe to The Big House (Univ of MI football stadium) to fan day. We got to go on the field and meet the players. While it did get rained out quickly, we managed to get some good pictures. Our main goal was to get a picture with Gabe and one of the defensive players Gabe Watson. Thankfully, we managed to get that before they made everyone leave due to the weather. We had a lot of fun and my dad had some time to bond with the boy. I think he was really proud. My dad and Ben have been life long fans of the team as have I since I got married. We all go to many of the home games. In fact, I am going to the first game of the year next Saturday with my dad (Ben gave up the ticket to me).

Gabe with Big Gabe Watson (left) and Leo Henige

Infertility After Adoption

I used to be of the opinion that the impact of infertility after adopting was very different than the impact of infertility after conceiving (by whatever means) and giving birth. In fact, when we first started pursuing our adoption, I spent a great deal of time trying to work this out in my brain. It was something I had to come to terms with. I fully understood that people who did indeed conceive and give birth after infertility would still bear the scars and the damage of the journey. I understood that giving birth would ease that pain, but that most likely, parts of it would remain. That being said, I mused that the scars and damage would be much more visible after adoption. Why? Even though many things are robbed from the infertile who conceives and gives birth (just having sex, naivete, simple joys, etc) they would still get the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, having a child genetically linked to them, and having the child from day 1. These are all things that I had to mourn when I decided to adopt and things I would never ever experience. My thought was I would always carry the scars of coming to terms with these losses.

Now that I am a mom, I see that it doesn't matter to me anymore. On our anniversary, Ben and I were talking about the last five years.......the Clomid, timing sex, the HSG, peeing on sticks, the surgeries, etc. We agreed that its already fading into this big smooshy greyness. Its all starting to blend into one mass of yucky instead of the distinct pinpoint of events that it once was. I've found that as it begins to smoosh, it is also starting to drift away...the pain of it. Its being restrained to this one little section of my mind that I can visit when I need a reminder, but yet, doesn't come out to haunt me anymore. Its kept company by smooshy grey memories of my mom and my ex-boyfriend. I think I like it that way. I don't ever want to forget (not that I will be able to) but I'm ready to let it go. While I'll always be Infertile, I'm ready to end the chapter where infertility owns me for good and start anew.

Today, I took Gabriel to my former place of employment so everyone could meet him. It was so strange walking through those halls and standing by my office. How many millions of times had I walked through the halls in a daze, choking back tears thinking of Emma or a negative pregnancy test? How many times did I sit in that office waiting for a phone call from my OBGYN, RE, or agency? How much bad news did I receive there (I always received bad news at work)? How many tears did I cry in that very chair. Yet, here I finally was walking with Gabe in arms. I had to take a deep breath to steady myself. As I left the building, I took a short glance back knowing I would most likely never return. I kissed my boy and ran my hand over his hair. Then I turned and walked towards the car.........closing that chapter, and starting anew.

I'm Sorry But I'm Pretty Sure I Win

1% - 7% of infants develop milk protein allergies (different than lactose intolerant). Gabe falls into that category.

Of the infants with milk protein allergies 1% - 3% also have soy allergies. Gabe falls into that category as well.

They told us this in Guatemala and the lawyer stressed (very harshly I might add) that we should not give him any other formula other than the Enf@mil Nutr*imigen Hypoallergenic formula. Don't ask me what its made of if it doesn't contain milk or soy. . its a mystery to me. The problem is that this particular formula costs its weight in gold. One can costs $22 and Gabe will go through 2 cans a week. The next most expensive formula is the Enf@mil Pro So*bee soy formula which will run you about $12 a can.

When we visited the pediatrician after we came home, he explained he wasn't convinced he had an allergy to soy. He wanted us to try the Pro So*bee formula and sent us home with two trial cans. He seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, but I was nervous. Those two cans sat on the kitchen table for a month. My gut said to just leave well enough alone even though we are broke.

On Friday, I got brave and decided I would mix one scoop of the Pro So*bee formula (2oz) into his normal 7oz bottle that he takes at 6:30AM. He drank it down fine and seemed unaffected. He played, took a bath, ate a huge breakfast and another 4oz bottle of the normal formula. At 8:30, I laid him in his crib for his morning nap, turned on the monitor, and went downstairs to take a shower. We were supposed to go to my former work so everyone could meet the baby. At about 9AM, I heard him making some noise as usual but he didn't seem upset so I kept blow drying my hair. When I finished, he was quiet again so I decided to straighten it with a flat iron. Again, I hear some noise and then nothing. I decide I will quickly put on some make up and then bring him down, dress him and we would leave.

I open up the door to his nursery and I see him peering at me with terrified eyes. As I walk up to the crib I see that he is covered from head to toe in vomit. Its in his ears, his diaper, and covering a 4X3 area of his crib. I was so horrified. My baby had been vomiting and laying in it the entire time. I quickly snatched him up, crying (me not him) and strip him down. His little butt is leaking diarrhea juice. I plop him in the bath tub and his eyes glaze over and he looks completely lethargic. I rinse him off and attempt to dry him as he dry heaves. He continues to puke for another hour while dozing in my lap and moaning. In the meantime, I call the pediatrician frantic asking what I should do. They say, try to give him a bottle of the Nutri*migen and if he doesn't get better then go to Children's Hospit@l. OK, is that not stupid advice? How am I going to get a puking baby to take a bottle? Anyway, I call Ben and he says to wait a little bit and see what happens. If he doesn't get better, then go to the ER. Gabe continues to doze, I cry some more, he wakes up and dry heaves and moans. He completely fills his diaper with liquid diarrhea. It was horrible.

Finally, at about 12:30 I get him to take a 4oz bottle. He begins to gentle finger some of his toys and weakly gives me smiles. I don't leave his side the entire day. Today, he is doing better but still not himself. He doesn't want to eat or take bottles and had two rounds of diarrhea this morning. He's been spitting up a lot of the formula that he does drink. I'm still seriously stressed and I just want my little guy back, happy and healthy. He has been playing and smiling at least but still a bit sluggish.

I know that many have claimed the World's Worst Mother title, but I'm pretty sure that I win. What is worse then poisoning your kid with soy formula (against your instinct) and then leaving him to lay in his own vomit for an hour? Seriously, I'd really like to know.

I hate myself.

The Most Boring Post Ever

Even the title is boring.

As of Monday, we have officially been home a month. I can't decide if it feels longer or shorter. I can say that we've already come a really long way in a month. Let us revisit, shall we?

1. He stopped crying non-stop (except for the teething episodes)
2. He no longer needs to be carried 24 hours a day and can play and entertain himself for stretches of time.
3. He learned to babble new sounds.
4. Can support himself on his legs
5. Can roll from stomach to back
6. Can play on his stomach without having a meltdown
7. Started eating cereal, fruit, and vegetables
8. Falls asleep on his own in his crib
9. Broke his first tooth through
10. Can sit upright (mostly folded over though) without falling to the side or face first (most of the time)
11. I can carry him on my hip (before he slumped over like a wet noodle)
12. Can grasp toys, transfer them from hand to hand, and can hold a toy in each hand. Its been amazing to watch how his hand eye coordination changes. I'm serious, it changes EVERY day.
13. He watches me or Ben when we leave a room and if someone else is holding him he will turn his head toward the sounds of our voices.
14. Oh, yeah. . he learned we are his parents

I'm sure there are many more but I won't list them all.

Today, Gabriel is seven months old! He's getting so much bigger, it freaks me out. I don't want him to grow up too fast. He's my little baby.

Last Saturday the church threw a huge shower for me and all the ladies in the church came (as well as my family and friends). People were UNBELIEVABLY generous. I was totally astounded. Even people I had never met before came and brought gifts. I have to say, my church family is un-freaking-believable (in a good way). I could never meet a nicer group of people. I really love that you can bring anybody to our church and never have to be afraid of them being judged. They will simply take you under their wing and befriend you immediately. They don't care about your status, past, what you've done, how you look, etc.

Of course, here are some pictures (I seem to be on a picture kick these days).

5 Years and a Plethora of Photos

Exactly today, Ben and I have been married 5 years. To celebrate we ordered Chinese food and then took turns eating it while the other held the teething boy. We don't have a great track record for anniversaries so this one by far was the best!

As promised, I also have a plethora of photos of the boy and his new accomplishments for the week.

Bringing Home Baby - Part II

I didn't sleep that night, worried that I wouldn't wake up on time even though I checked the alarm clock 12 times. We both finally gave up and took showers and dressed. At about 6:15 we went to the lobby to wait for everyone to show up. By everyone I mean the foster mother, baby, and M the person our lawyer sends with us to aid with the Embassy appointment.

Before I continue, you can go to your Embassy appointment alone. Most families did not have help. Our particular lawyer requires that M goes with us. She has her son get in line very early in the morning so that we don't have to. Then she pays all the fees, submits papers, tells us what to do step by step etc. It actually was a great relief to us, especially since we were just getting Gabe. . and by Gabe I mean total meltdown boy.

M had not arrived yet but the foster mother (Lucinda Maria) and Gabe had. I was totally surprised to see them there already. She stood up and I saw that Gabe hadn't changed much but was a bit bigger. He was dressed in a red and blue shirt and shorts and white shoes. She handed him to me and he looked me over once again. He made some smiles at Ben and Lucinda Maria and seemed OK. She told us about his new schedule and gave us his vaccination card, the cameras, a bottle, diapers, rattle, and a blanket. She then had someone take pictures of all of us together. We gave her our gifts. I then handed the baby back to her so she could say goodbye. I tried to back up and give her some space, not sure if she would want to cry or not. She was brief and then handed him back and left. I think she wanted to be fast so she could cry alone. As soon as she walked out Gabe began to scream hysterically. This continued for about 3 days.

I took the baby back to our room while Ben waited for M so they could finish up the paper work before we left. While in the room I tried to check Gabe's diaper but when I laid him down he cried so hard he choked on his spit and I freaked (this also continued for 3 more days). After that, I gave up on the diaper and just tried to rock him for awhile. Nothing helped. After a few minutes we had to leave for the Embassy. We traveled with M and Melissa & Anna. Since the Embassy was right next door we walked. I felt better because M was talking friendly with all the guards and knew everyone at the Embassy. I think it would have been pretty intimidating otherwise. Gabe stopped crying for a bit once we were outside. We left Ben and Melissa's mom in the line while the rest of us went down a ways to get passport photos taken of Anna and Gabe. It took 15 minutes to get a usable picture of Gabe since he was screaming so hard. Anna was doing amazing and had no trouble at all. In fact, when she got nervous she turned around and took Melissa's hand without Melissa even prompting her to. I was totally jealous.

We returned to the line where we waited for about 40 minutes before being allowed inside the building. At the Embassy there are two lines. One for Guatemalans trying to get passports, which stretches and weaves all around and down the street. The second line is for adoptive parents with Embassy appointments. Once inside the building we went through metal detectors and then were ushered into a small room with chairs. Here we sat for a few hours with all the other families waiting for our name to be called. Besides Melissa and ourselves, Maya and Tiana were there as well. We all sat together and tried to keep our babies happy as best as possible. Thankfully, you didn't have to feel too bad about your baby crying because all the babies cried (poor Embassy workers). Ben tried to keep Gabe occupied and quiet by allowing him to crumple up the 1040 forms and instructions hanging on a wall. Sitting behind us was a family with a baby girl that was coughing and sneezing like crazy. I'm pretty sure that is where we all got our colds from. I'm not exactly sure what M's son did behind the scenes but he took and gave paperwork to us. He also took our $380 in crisp new $20's (with the big heads and no pink markings) and provided us with a receipt. Though he did say if he didn't return he was on a plane to Miami. Finally, they called our names and we carried the sleeping Gabe out of the room and into a teeny tiny booth. We slid our passports and other paperwork under the slot in the window to the guy on the other side. He asked us a few simple questions while reviewing our I-600. I think he asked Ben's birthday and whether we both visited prior to this trip. He then slid everything back to us and we went back to the room and sat down. After a couple more minutes, our names were called again. This time we walked to a different window manned by a guy that used to live in a city right next to our hometown. He asked us to verify a few more things on our I-600. He then laughed at Ben's passport (where he looks seriously like a convicted drug smuggler. . I wish I could scan the picture, its hilarious). Ben had to sign some papers and then we both had to raise our right hands and swear that everything in the papers was accurate and truthful. He then told us congratulations and that our son was really beautiful. And, that was that. We waited for Melissa and then we walked back to the hotel.

Bringing Home Baby - Part I

I figured I better sit down and write this before I forget. The trip is rapidly removing itself from my memory which isn't hard since it was mostly a blur to begin with. Since I am writing this for myself and Gabe, I plan on including some boring small details that may be uninteresting to others. Please skip over the dull parts.

We left for Guatemala on Monday on a 6:58AM Delta flight with a layover in Atlanta. This time we actually got to sit together on all legs of the flight which was nice (the benefit of going through our agency's travel agency). This time the international line was really long and we began to get nervous about making our flight on time. Delta had the two SLOWEST ticket agents I've ever encountered. When we finally made it to the front of the line, we only checked our stroller. The agent picked up the stroller and looked at us strangely before finally questioning why we had a stroller but no baby. So we had to explain everything for the first of many times.

The flight to Atlanta was bumpy and we circled the airport for an hour as a result of the hurricane. I was seriously getting close to hurling with all the turbulence. Finally, we landed and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. We decided to go to the food court and buy some lunch now that land had calmed my stomach. Unfortunately, while we had been traveling for hours already, it was before 10AM and they were only serving breakfast. . and well. . who wants to eat a greasy BK breakfast sandwich and then get on a plane? So we opted for Pizza Hut personal pizzas. We ate and meandered back to the gate (once again the same gate we left from when we made our visit trip). We boarded the plane on time but then had to sit there for an hour before even pushing back from the gate. First, there was a broken wing light that had to be replaced and then written up. Then, 20 passengers didn't board the plane but their luggage did (not sure how that happens) so they had to remove all the luggage, pull the missing passenger's luggage, and then load it all back on. At this point I started thinking, "I'm really glad that we didn't arrange to have the baby brought to us today." Finally, we took off and I spent the flight listening to "Peter and the Wolf" on the airplane headsets.

Once we arrived in Guatemala we followed the same drill as before and arrived at the hotel without incident. We called R (the lawyer) as instructed. The US Embassy had changed the rules the day before, effective immediately visas would not be issued until the day following your Embassy appointment. This screwed everyone (except us) that traveled that week because they were now unable to leave the following day. Thankfully for us our original plan was to get the baby on Tuesday, go to the Embassy on Wednesday, leave on Thursday. R suggested that they bring the baby at 6:30AM on Tuesday, we would then go to the Embassy that day, pick up the visa on Wednesday and then still leave on Thursday. We agreed.

There were a lot more families at the hotel than when we visited in May. There was Melissa a single mother who also lives in Michigan and was working with our agency. She waited 2 years to bring home her beautiful daughter Anna because the birth mother disappeared prior to the DNA testing and their adoption became an abandonment case (which takes much longer). There was also Fran and Phil who were visiting their 2 month old daughter Maria. We had met Fran and Phil at a waiting families meeting at our agency just a month prior and talked for about an hour after the meeting. We were so excited to see them there. There was a family (who's names I never learned) of both parents and grandparents bringing home their 7 mth old daughter Maya. There were three baby boys to be named Max. Katherine and Lee (one set of "Max" parents) visited the same time we did in May. Then there was Kim and her husband (whose name is escaping me right now) picking up their six month old Max. I had previously exchanged e-mails with Kim after "meeting" on the Yahoo list. The third Max was 9 months old and I accidentally asked if he was a girl (oops). There was also one other lady with a 7 mth old baby girl named Tiana.

After unpacking, Ben went to the bank and exchanged our money. We watched more spanish TV. I did the Soduku (or whatever its called) puzzle from the Times paper we took from the plane. We went up to the balcony to watch the rain. That is where we met Melissa. Anna had just been dropped off and was sobbing hysterically, clearly scared to death. Melissa had her mother with her who was comforting the baby because Anna felt more at ease with grandma. Melissa looked heart broken and clearly stressed. I felt so horrible for them and my eyes filled up with tears for both Anna and Melissa. We tried to reassure her that we saw this a lot when we visited and the babies do so much better in 24 hours. Eventually, we went down for dinner and met some of the other families. We spent about an hour there chatting and exchanging stories before going to bed early. We knew that Tuesday was going to be a long and difficult day.

Wild Kingdom in my Back Yard

...in whispery British accent...

"See the raccoons as they scrounge through the garbage can in this residential neighborhood in the middle of the day."

I'm just sitting in my office, reading blogs while the boy takes his morning nap (thank goodness. . he is clearly having a grouch day today) when I hear all this commotion in my backyard. I peak out the window from my office chair to see if maybe its the DTE guy reading the meter or my neighbor. I see nothing. I go back to reading, but continue to hear all this commotion. Out of the corner of my eye in the trees by our trash I see two fat raccoons climbing down our garage and peaking through our trash cans. Of course, being the dork that I am I rushed around to grab the camera and snap pictures as they run through our backyard.





I then crept outside and stalked them as they dug through our neighbors trash all the while wondering, "do raccoons attack their paparattzi".





Just as I was thinking that, my cat Sammy (who looks a bit raccoonish) ran up to me forcing me to crap my pants.





(As you can see Sammy has mastered the whole deer in the headlights look)

Now they are hanging out in the tree by our house making these cool raccoon sounds.





I guess I should stop leaving the back door open so the cats can go in and out. I don't want any unwelcomed guests stopping by. Anyway, this was very exciting for me (as you can see). Little things totally amuse me and since I stay at home now this is as exciting as it gets. Hey, maybe I should leave the house more.

My Mom Thinks He's an Angel

HA!

I bet you didn't know my son is a performance artist did you? Anytime we have guests or we go to visit the parents, he is sooooo happy, playful, fun, and smiley. But, as soon as we return home or they leave its crab city. My mom doesn't believe me when I say he can spend entire days moaning or crying. She always says, "No, not my angel". Which has a tendency to infuriate me greatly.

We do have great days (like today). However, some days the boy is just a total grouch. When he gets like that he only wants to be carried and like I said, you can't sit and hold him. . . .so help you if you try. I don't mind carrying him, but I don't want to do it for 12 hours straight and certainly not when its 93 degrees in our house and his skin is sticking to my skin. I can't tell what makes him cry like that. It frustrating at best. Yesterday (a crab day) I told Ben that I missed my old life. It wasn't really true. . . I was just hitting the wall with him at the time.

The good news is, he's been putting himself to sleep for naps and bedtime. We lay him in his crib awake and he will babble or maybe whine a little and eventually fall asleep. If he starts to cry, we have to go in and pick him up for attachment reasons and rock him a bit. Then we lay him down and start over.

On another note, one of our biggest struggles has been trying to figure out a feeding schedule for him. We didn't really know how much and how often he was being fed. We were told he didn't like cereal but would eat some baby food. That was it. While we were in Guatemala, we didn't feed him any solid food (mostly because he was having such a hard time). Once we arrived home, I decided to just start all over with the solid food. I started by giving him rice cereal (which he does like by the way) and applesauce. We've now tried bananas, peaches, pears, and peas. So far, he likes pretty much everything. The bad thing is he will just keep eating even when he's full. That means he gets a tummy ache and eventually throws up. I think I've figured out his limit now so I can stop before that point. Currently, he's eating solid foods twice a day (with bottles) and three additional bottles. I would like to move him up to three times a day but I haven't yet. This by far has been the trickiest part.

Lately I've been getting angry. Not that Gabe isn't my biological son but that I didn't have him from the beginning. I feel like if I had him from the day he was born, then I would have the feeding thing figured out and he wouldn't want to be carried all the time. I'm mad because I wonder if he wouldn't have these crabby spells. I know that's irrational but I can't help being jealous of all the people who were able to have their babies from day one. This caught me off guard. But I have to be honest, its hard to pick up where somebody else left off. Gabe is a little person with feelings, personality and a serious temper. He's not all that easy going and doesn't always like the changes I've made to his life even at only six months of age.

Don't get me wrong, I love the boy. He really is a sweetheart. When he wakes up and I go into his room he gives me the biggest happiest grin. He is just so happy to see me. Everyday he learns something new and can be such a little ham. He LOVES his daddy. Whenever Ben comes home from work he gets so happy to see him. Dad is definitely the fun one.

I'm just saying this is hard. Maybe a little harder than I thought it would be. But everything has its season. . . and this too shall pass.