Answering Your Questions and a Few Bonus Tidbits

Thanks to those of you that asked questions. I will try to answer most, if not all of them. But first:

Bonus Tidbit #1 - Gabe started crawling today mere days before his first birthday! Its not pretty nor fast but he's doing it. I thought the day would never come.

Bonus Tidbit#2 - I am totally baffled...flattered....but definitely baffled, on being included as a must read blog in Adoptive Families. I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be in the magazine. In fact, when people started e-mailing me about it, I thought they were pulling my leg. I have to say in all honesty that I can think of many more suitable blogs than mine. I certainly wouldn't classify this blog as a "Must Read". Not by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I'm extremely flattered.

For my readers on Blogspot, my inclusion in the magazine had nothing to do with the removal of my pictures and going password protected. Unfortunately, those actions were necessitated by an event that was more of the negative variety.

OK, on to your questions........

1. Did I suffer from post adoption depression?

Yes, I did suffer from PAD for several months. At first, this was more of a result of Gabe's trouble adjusting. I have to admit, it was a bit of a let down in the beginning. Couple this, with feeling overwhelmed and desperate and you get PAD. I didn't feel like a mom at first. We didn't have love at first site and huge ooshy gooshy feelings. I was fiercely, maternally protective over him, but not head over heels in love. On days that Ben had to work late, I felt desperate and questioned whether I would make it through the day. These feeling lasted for about the first 2 months.

After the first 2 months, I wouldn't say that I necessarily had PAD but I did have a general melancholy. This is going to sound weird but, one of the hardest things in life is actually attaining your dream. Why, you ask? Well, my whole adult life I have been striving to achieve something. First, I wanted to finish college with all A's.....then Ben and I wanted to get married and pay for the wedding ourselves......next we worked towards buying our first house...meanwhile we spent almost 5 years trying to build a family. We've accomplished all of these things and that is wonderful...but now what? There has never been a time that I haven't been working towards something, until now. So I am left floundering, attempting to get my bearings straight so I can find a new path to travel down. I need a new bright light to walk toward. Until I figure that out, I'm left standing still and truthfully, I am very uncomfortable with that.

2. How does Gabe handle being away from us?

I have to admit this a bit of a blow to my self esteem but, he doesn't mind. With one exception, he has never gotten upset when we left him with our parents or in the nursery at church. I used to wonder if this was a sign that he wasn't fully attached to us, but now I don't think this is the case. This is just Gabe's personality. He LOVES new places, faces, situations, etc. He gets really bored when its just the two of us at home all day for several days in a row. He is actually a very self confident, independent little boy and I'm really proud of him for it (not that I can take the credit). That being said, he doesn't really like other people to put him to sleep or get him from a nap. My mom has told me he gets a concerned look on his face. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

You can read more about our attachment experience here.

3. Advice for those of you going to pick up your babies

First off, I would say make a visit trip. When you make this visit trip, make sure to take time to see some of the country BEFORE you spend time with the baby. If you plan to sight see after wards, you won't want to. I guarantee it. We made this mistake. I know what you are thinking, "but I would never be able to leave after seeing the baby". No doubt about it, its hard as hell....but so very worth it. You get a chance to know your foster mother a bit and ask questions. It was such a relief to me to meet our foster mom and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Gabe was being loved when we couldn't be with him. A visit trip is kind of like a test run. You get to learn about the temperament of the baby, what to pack and what not to, what the flights, the food, the country, the hotel are like. When we went back for our pick up trip, we were not stressed at all. It was kind of like going home. Also, if you can, please, please take time to visit the country. This is will be invaluable to you and your child later on. Its a beautiful country with beautiful people and in my opinion, Guatemala City doesn't do it justice.

Check to see if your foster mother will be coming and going via a cab (you can ask your attorney beforehand). If not, offer to pay for a cab. We didn't know about this and I feel bad about it still.

Bring both a stroller and a carrier/sling for the pick up trip.

Make an effort to learn some Spanish and use it. You would be amazed at how much respect you will get just for trying, even if you are terrible at it.

Bring a few different types of bottles and nipples. Gabe was really picky and would only take one kind. Also, bring something to widen the hole. He would get really frustrated with slow bottles.

Ask your doctor to prescribe Cipro and take it with you. If you even get a hint of feeling sick, start to take it. There is nothing worse than trying to care for a screaming baby and feeling like you are going to hurl at the same time. Trust me, I know.

Remind yourself over and over that its not your fault if the baby screams. Just take a deep breath and do the best you can. With time it will get better. I promise. Just because other babies in your hotel stopped screaming and your baby has not, don't give up hope. All babies are different.

DON'T be rude, demanding, impatient, and especially loud. Americans have a horrible reputation for being all of these things. Do your part to not further this rep.

If your baby won't calm down, try taking him/her where people are speaking Spanish. Gabe would calm down better when we were around Mayan faces and Spanish voices. In fact, 6 months later he is still attracted to these features.

Write down all of your questions to the foster mother beforehand because you will most likely feel overwhelmed and forget.

Ask your foster mother to show you how she comforts that baby. This was THE MOST important piece of information we received.

I think Guatadopt has a pamphlet that lists a bunch of great information. I would definitely download the brochure (our agency wrote it, so we received it in our information binder).


4. What did I look for in a Daycare?

I really wanted a center (even though initially we were going to go with someone we know). I like the idea of someplace big that had set, established rules/procedures etc. I wanted a place that would have accountability for the teachers. I wanted a place that was somewhat structured and attempted to teach them things. The center we chose is huge and takes children all the way to 13 (it is an old Elementary school building so it even has a gym). I've spent several hours there, over two days with the class. Watching the teachers interact with the kids and Gabe. All the rooms are large, and have tons of natural light (I'm a freak about natural light), very bright and exciting. This center has a transitional toddler room that babies can move to between 12 and 18 months once they hit certain milestones. I really like this idea, especially for my little guy whose a little on the slower side. Every time I have been at the center I had a good feeling about it and Gabe seemed really comfortable as well.

I don't really have a particular philosophy I subscribe to. My big things are that the teachers are educated and the program is structured. I want an environment where Gabe can learn at his own pace comfortably. I think, similar to choosing an adoption agency, you do all the research you can, and then you trust your gut...or mother's intuition...whatever you want to call it. I do, however, firmly believe that you should let kids be kids. I know there is a big movement to get your kids in the perfect preschool, private school, etc. I feel like the big pressure of perfect education is too much. Sure I want Gabe to learn and be smart. What parent doesn't want that? But, I want him to play and have fun. There's plenty of time during adulthood to feel the pressure of the fast track of success. He doesn't need to start that now...or even 12 years from now. That is just my opinion.

Note: Sometimes when I share that opinion with people I know, they stare at me like I have three heads. I swear, I'm not trying to dumb down my kid. I just want him to live his life and explore a bit.....maybe even become his own person (Gasp!).

5. Do I get less comments about how young I look now that I have Gabe?

Unfortunately, no. However if I'm out with Gabe, people spend more time trying to figure out our relationship instead of how old I am. I'm not sure that's a positive trade off, but what can you do?

6. Did I like my agency?

We started out with a horrible, horrible agency. As I've mentioned before, we wasted 10 months with them before we switched. We ended up working with Adoption Associates, Inc., and I LOVED them. They were great. In 100% honesty, I don't have a single negative thing to say about them. Not a one. We worked with the Farmington Hills, MI office, but also dealt with the main office from time to time. Every person we came into contact with was outstanding. I would absolutely use them again in a heartbeat. In case you are wondering, no they didn't pay me to say that. We contacted them after receiving a recommendation from a coworker of mine at the time. He adopted through their China program and was very happy with them as well.

7. How do we plan on including Gabe's birth culture in his life?

As with most things in life, this list will evolve over time as we see what things Gabe finds important. Here are some of our ideas, thus far:

Beginning when he is old enough to start to understand, we would like to take regular trips to Guatemala. Its important to me that he is able to visit his birth city, the city his birth parents live, and any other place he is interested in visiting. We've done extensive travel to the more remote areas of Guatemala, so we are not afraid to go off the beaten path (safely of course).

Language and culture camps

I truly wish to find a group for Guatemalan adoptees, but MI doesn't have one. I would make my own, but I am a TERRIBLE organizer.

Availability to books, movies, art, etc that depict Hispanic culture in a positive light.

As he gets older, I want us to do research together about Mayan culture and Guatemala. I would like us to put together a book of the things we learn together. This is in lieu of a scrap book that I would put together. Instead we will do it together. I think this will be a good, interactive way for him to learn about his birth culture and his adoption.

We have been sponsoring a Guatemalan girl for several years already. I would like to continue this and make sure that Gabe is involved in the correspondence. The group that does the sponsoring does do trips so that you can meet your particular child.

I want to make it a point to prepare Guatemalan dishes on a regular basis

Celebrating Guatemalan holidays

Talking, talking, and more talking.

I desperately want him to be proud of his birth culture. I know I cannot be perfect but I will do the best I can to achieve this. If any of you have ideas you would want to share about this, I would be thrilled to hear them. Its silly if we don't try to learn from one another.

OK, I think I answered all of the questions. If you have anymore or want me to expand on anything, let me know.