Finally Got My Snow Storm

Today was a snow day and Gabe did not have school, nor did Ellie have therapy.  We got a good bit of snow and ice yesterday and now its crazy frigid (wind chill of negative eight).  It is exactly what I was hoping for....except for one minor problem....Ben dropped my car/house keys in the snow either at our house or his parents.  We cannot find them anywhere and I suspect they won't be found until everything melts. 

On an unrelated note, given the new turn of events, I may need to modify my blogging goal.  Since I can already feel the quese coming on and the strong desire to climb into bed at 7pm, I will try to post two times a week instead of three.  I'll try not to completely disappear like I did last time...even if shutting down is my M.O.

So, pregnancy thoughts....

I don't even know where to begin.  I guess by saying most of all, I'm shocked.  Beyond shocked.  Ben finished chemo a mere seven months before this occurred.  Plus, I was specifically avoiding my fertile week because one of my goals for this year was that no one wanted to throw up over the holidays.  Its a good goal to have, ya know.  The timing seems so far fetched, that I started to wonder if it actually happened the month prior, but I don't think that's the case after all.  When I took the first test from the dollar store, I really expected it to be negative.  When it came up positive I told Ben and then promptly left the house to get a few more expensive tests.  I honestly thought the first test was faulty.  Then the other two tests came up darkly positive and I couldn't deny it anymore.  Although I did try and spend the whole first week in denial.

I am happy about having another baby, I've always wanted three, but after everything that happened, I had accepted that this was not to be my fate.  That being said, in no way am I excited about being pregnant again.  My pregnancy with Ellie was awful.  There is no way around it.  I was so miserably sick for the first 22 weeks, this caused massive depression.  Ben had to do everything around here while I was just a lump of matter lying up in bed.  I was useless.  Around the time things started getting better in that department, we found out about all of Ellie's issues.  The terror and heart break that caused was overwhelming.  I never thought I would be told that I may want to consider terminating my baby.  Then, when we had somewhat come to terms with what was happening with Ellie, I land myself in the hospital for a month.  I keep reading this paragraph and thinking, "But this isn't even conveying the horribleness of it all....it doesn't even scratch the surface."  And it doesn't.  Not that Ellie wasn't worth all of that.   She absolutely was.  However, I'm in no hurry to repeat that experience in any fashion.  The thought of being sick again for five months fills me with dread.  The threat of something being wrong, possibly even worse than Ellie, makes my body shake with fear.  The mere idea of being hospitalized again and away from both my kids (particularly Ellie who really needs her mama) makes me feel crazy.

Its funny, because if you ask Ben or me what our gut says, we both agree that this pregnancy will not end in miscarriage.  I don't have any real reason to think that, but I do.  Yet, I wouldn't be surprised if it did.  I realize this is a complete contradiction, I can't really explain it but in my brain it works.  Still, Ben told me he can't really see past the twelve week mark.  Not me...my brain goes straight to the logistics of how this is going to work.  I can't deal with or fix the things I mentioned above.  However, I can try to solve where this baby will sleep and the fact that we will need a new vehicle since none of our vehicles can hold three car seats.  I can feel happy knowing my stash of cloth diapers will be used a second time and hey, we have a ton of boy and girl clothes.

I was looking forward to a quiet year.  2009 was lost to pregnancy, the madness after Ellie's birth and her various procedures, pumping, and no sleep.  The first half of 2010 was lost to chemo, more pumping, more procedures, and no sleep.  Things were finally settling down for us.  Ben was in remission and Ellie had turned one and we were reaping the benefits of coming out of that newborn stage.  I'm really not mentally or emotionally ready to jump into another perfect storm.  I realize that this was created by my own doing.  I have no one to blame but myself (well, and Ben).  We should have known better, really.

Again, I am happy and I'm sure things will work themselves out one way or another, right.  You can't stop life from marching on rather you want it to or not.  I just kinda wish it would have come a year later.  Perhaps when we have both recovered somewhat from the last few years.  When we come to that point where we look back and say, "Hey, maybe it wasn't that bad."  If such a point exists.  At the very least, we could have rested a bit and regrouped.  I just hope we have the strength it takes to do this again.