Boy Makes Three

Moved

2006-11-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

I've moved here. Please stop by and visit me there.

My First Gift From the Daycare

2006-02-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

After only 1 week, I already received my first gift from the day care center.

Was it the green snake painting Gabe made?

Noooooo

How about the red mask painting Gabe made?

Nope

Or maybe the hand and footprints he made?

Nuhuuh

You could try a few wobbly steps...

But that would be wrong

Oh no my friends....we were gifted our first illness.

Not just any illness....the stomach flu.....and all three of us had it at the same time.

And not just any stomach flu...the kind where you puke so much the next day all the muscles in your trachea, chest, back, and lungs are too sore to breath or swallow.

Ahhh yes, good times had by all.

Let me just tell you. Nothing in life or parenting can prepare you for the hell that is trying to care for a diarrhea baby when both parents can't keep their stuff in from either end. Believe you me.

The First Week Back

2006-02-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

Oy with the poodles already!**

The first week back was a blur but mostly I'm grateful that it is over. Here is a little day by day recap:

Monday - Wake up at 5AM and remember how much I loathe 5AM. Wake a sleepy Gabe at 6:30 so that he can realize how much he loathes 6:30 (what can I say, the boy likes his sleep). I drop him off at the daycare and he doesn't cry, mostly because he is too intrigued about all the toys. I don't cry either....thank goodness. Arrive at work and spend the next 5 hours not getting anything accomplished because everyone wants to stop by and talk to me (which was nice by the way). I check on Gabe twice and they say he is doing great. Once 2pm rolls around, I bust out of that place like a bat out of hell. I have butterflies in my stomach because I just want to see my boy. I arrive at the center and practically run to his room. When I get there I see a very gray faced shirtless boy sitting on the changing table. It turns out he started to puke at about 2:15. He continued to puke for several hours even after we arrived home. At about 4:00, he fell asleep in my arms. About an hour later he woke up and played, ate dinner, took his bath, and went to bed...no worse for the wear.

I think he was puking because he was overstimulated, overtired (he won't nap at the center), and nervous about being away from me. As I said, he didn't cry at all so I think this is how his anxiety showed itself. Apparently he wants to be like his mom.

Tuesday - Again up a 5AM, after a night of no sleep. I am anxiety ridden about Gabe puking again today. Now I feel like I'm going to puke. Again, he doesn't cry when I drop him off, though he does watch my every move. I call every hour to check on him. At work I realize the following:

What has changed:

The toilet paper holders
My office (or lack of permanent residence)
The phones
My boss
Most certainly me
What stayed the same:

Ummm....everything else. I swear, it was like I didn't even leave for 7 months.
Once again, at 2PM I book it out of there, even more butterflies in my stomach. When I arrive this time, Gabe is playing with one of the other assistants. All the other babies are sleeping. Once he sees me he crawls as fast as he can towards the door. He had a great day and no puking. Once at home, he acts like his normal self. I am relieved.

Wednesday - I wake up at 5:15 after hitting snooze several times. Gabe also wakes up at 5:15 and won't go back to sleep. I find him jumping in his crib like its a trampoline when I go to get him. Same drill as all the other days. When I call to check on him I find out he is painting. I tear up and wish I could have seen that. I suspect someone stole from our bank account when I see that it only has $75 in it but come to find out, nope we really are that poor. When I arrive to pick him up, he starts to cry because he can't get to me. I find out he made a friend, a little girl with a similar personality as his (very calm and laid back). They like to play in the train tunnel together, crawling back and forth. How cute is that? Once we arrive home, Gabe only wants to be held. He cuddles in our lap the whole night, which is unusual for him. He's not really a cuddler, he'd rather be up and about. If I leave the room he starts forlornly crying, "mama mama mama mama". He is EXHAUSTED since he still isn't napping. He has a total melt down during bath time and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the crib mattress.

Thursday - I wake up at 5:30 after snoozing even more times. I have to wake a sleepy Gabe at 6:45. He is not happy. When I drop him off he watches me like a hawk and crawls along behind me all over the room. When I walk out the door, I hear him start to cry. Work feels long and again I have butterflies in my stomach when I drive to pick him up. I find him playing with one bluish foot. Apparently they did hand and foot prints today. Again, he had another great day and even slept for 30 minutes. However, he refuses to drink from his sippy cup while he's there. They also tell me he's the favorite of the center (already, in a week?). I guess when they go on buggy rides around the center, everyone likes to come out and hug him. He is quite huggable. He cries again when I arrive and once I pick him up, he won't let me put him back down. At home, he is CRA-BBY. He won't let me hold him or touch him. He gets frustrated with all of his toys. I end up putting him down for a half hour. He is a little happier once he wakes up, however he still giving me the cold shoulder. I am very glad, I don't work on Fridays. I think the boy needs a couple days at home.

So that was the first week back in a nutshell. How was your week?

**Any Gilmore Girls fans out there?

Answering Your Questions and a Few Bonus Tidbits

2006-01-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to those of you that asked questions. I will try to answer most, if not all of them. But first:

Bonus Tidbit #1 - Gabe started crawling today mere days before his first birthday! Its not pretty nor fast but he's doing it. I thought the day would never come.

Bonus Tidbit#2 - I am totally baffled...flattered....but definitely baffled, on being included as a must read blog in Adoptive Families. I had absolutely no idea that I was going to be in the magazine. In fact, when people started e-mailing me about it, I thought they were pulling my leg. I have to say in all honesty that I can think of many more suitable blogs than mine. I certainly wouldn't classify this blog as a "Must Read". Not by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I'm extremely flattered.

For my readers on Blogspot, my inclusion in the magazine had nothing to do with the removal of my pictures and going password protected. Unfortunately, those actions were necessitated by an event that was more of the negative variety.

OK, on to your questions........

1. Did I suffer from post adoption depression?

Yes, I did suffer from PAD for several months. At first, this was more of a result of Gabe's trouble adjusting. I have to admit, it was a bit of a let down in the beginning. Couple this, with feeling overwhelmed and desperate and you get PAD. I didn't feel like a mom at first. We didn't have love at first site and huge ooshy gooshy feelings. I was fiercely, maternally protective over him, but not head over heels in love. On days that Ben had to work late, I felt desperate and questioned whether I would make it through the day. These feeling lasted for about the first 2 months.

After the first 2 months, I wouldn't say that I necessarily had PAD but I did have a general melancholy. This is going to sound weird but, one of the hardest things in life is actually attaining your dream. Why, you ask? Well, my whole adult life I have been striving to achieve something. First, I wanted to finish college with all A's.....then Ben and I wanted to get married and pay for the wedding ourselves......next we worked towards buying our first house...meanwhile we spent almost 5 years trying to build a family. We've accomplished all of these things and that is wonderful...but now what? There has never been a time that I haven't been working towards something, until now. So I am left floundering, attempting to get my bearings straight so I can find a new path to travel down. I need a new bright light to walk toward. Until I figure that out, I'm left standing still and truthfully, I am very uncomfortable with that.

2. How does Gabe handle being away from us?

I have to admit this a bit of a blow to my self esteem but, he doesn't mind. With one exception, he has never gotten upset when we left him with our parents or in the nursery at church. I used to wonder if this was a sign that he wasn't fully attached to us, but now I don't think this is the case. This is just Gabe's personality. He LOVES new places, faces, situations, etc. He gets really bored when its just the two of us at home all day for several days in a row. He is actually a very self confident, independent little boy and I'm really proud of him for it (not that I can take the credit). That being said, he doesn't really like other people to put him to sleep or get him from a nap. My mom has told me he gets a concerned look on his face. That makes me feel a little better, I guess.

You can read more about our attachment experience here.

3. Advice for those of you going to pick up your babies

First off, I would say make a visit trip. When you make this visit trip, make sure to take time to see some of the country BEFORE you spend time with the baby. If you plan to sight see after wards, you won't want to. I guarantee it. We made this mistake. I know what you are thinking, "but I would never be able to leave after seeing the baby". No doubt about it, its hard as hell....but so very worth it. You get a chance to know your foster mother a bit and ask questions. It was such a relief to me to meet our foster mom and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Gabe was being loved when we couldn't be with him. A visit trip is kind of like a test run. You get to learn about the temperament of the baby, what to pack and what not to, what the flights, the food, the country, the hotel are like. When we went back for our pick up trip, we were not stressed at all. It was kind of like going home. Also, if you can, please, please take time to visit the country. This is will be invaluable to you and your child later on. Its a beautiful country with beautiful people and in my opinion, Guatemala City doesn't do it justice.

Check to see if your foster mother will be coming and going via a cab (you can ask your attorney beforehand). If not, offer to pay for a cab. We didn't know about this and I feel bad about it still.

Bring both a stroller and a carrier/sling for the pick up trip.

Make an effort to learn some Spanish and use it. You would be amazed at how much respect you will get just for trying, even if you are terrible at it.

Bring a few different types of bottles and nipples. Gabe was really picky and would only take one kind. Also, bring something to widen the hole. He would get really frustrated with slow bottles.

Ask your doctor to prescribe Cipro and take it with you. If you even get a hint of feeling sick, start to take it. There is nothing worse than trying to care for a screaming baby and feeling like you are going to hurl at the same time. Trust me, I know.

Remind yourself over and over that its not your fault if the baby screams. Just take a deep breath and do the best you can. With time it will get better. I promise. Just because other babies in your hotel stopped screaming and your baby has not, don't give up hope. All babies are different.

DON'T be rude, demanding, impatient, and especially loud. Americans have a horrible reputation for being all of these things. Do your part to not further this rep.

If your baby won't calm down, try taking him/her where people are speaking Spanish. Gabe would calm down better when we were around Mayan faces and Spanish voices. In fact, 6 months later he is still attracted to these features.

Write down all of your questions to the foster mother beforehand because you will most likely feel overwhelmed and forget.

Ask your foster mother to show you how she comforts that baby. This was THE MOST important piece of information we received.

I think Guatadopt has a pamphlet that lists a bunch of great information. I would definitely download the brochure (our agency wrote it, so we received it in our information binder).

4. What did I look for in a Daycare?

I really wanted a center (even though initially we were going to go with someone we know). I like the idea of someplace big that had set, established rules/procedures etc. I wanted a place that would have accountability for the teachers. I wanted a place that was somewhat structured and attempted to teach them things. The center we chose is huge and takes children all the way to 13 (it is an old Elementary school building so it even has a gym). I've spent several hours there, over two days with the class. Watching the teachers interact with the kids and Gabe. All the rooms are large, and have tons of natural light (I'm a freak about natural light), very bright and exciting. This center has a transitional toddler room that babies can move to between 12 and 18 months once they hit certain milestones. I really like this idea, especially for my little guy whose a little on the slower side. Every time I have been at the center I had a good feeling about it and Gabe seemed really comfortable as well.

I don't really have a particular philosophy I subscribe to. My big things are that the teachers are educated and the program is structured. I want an environment where Gabe can learn at his own pace comfortably. I think, similar to choosing an adoption agency, you do all the research you can, and then you trust your gut...or mother's intuition...whatever you want to call it. I do, however, firmly believe that you should let kids be kids. I know there is a big movement to get your kids in the perfect preschool, private school, etc. I feel like the big pressure of perfect education is too much. Sure I want Gabe to learn and be smart. What parent doesn't want that? But, I want him to play and have fun. There's plenty of time during adulthood to feel the pressure of the fast track of success. He doesn't need to start that now...or even 12 years from now. That is just my opinion.

Note: Sometimes when I share that opinion with people I know, they stare at me like I have three heads. I swear, I'm not trying to dumb down my kid. I just want him to live his life and explore a bit.....maybe even become his own person (Gasp!).

5. Do I get less comments about how young I look now that I have Gabe?

Unfortunately, no. However if I'm out with Gabe, people spend more time trying to figure out our relationship instead of how old I am. I'm not sure that's a positive trade off, but what can you do?

6. Did I like my agency?

We started out with a horrible, horrible agency. As I've mentioned before, we wasted 10 months with them before we switched. We ended up working with Adoption Associates, Inc., and I LOVED them. They were great. In 100% honesty, I don't have a single negative thing to say about them. Not a one. We worked with the Farmington Hills, MI office, but also dealt with the main office from time to time. Every person we came into contact with was outstanding. I would absolutely use them again in a heartbeat. In case you are wondering, no they didn't pay me to say that. We contacted them after receiving a recommendation from a coworker of mine at the time. He adopted through their China program and was very happy with them as well.

7. How do we plan on including Gabe's birth culture in his life?

As with most things in life, this list will evolve over time as we see what things Gabe finds important. Here are some of our ideas, thus far:

Beginning when he is old enough to start to understand, we would like to take regular trips to Guatemala. Its important to me that he is able to visit his birth city, the city his birth parents live, and any other place he is interested in visiting. We've done extensive travel to the more remote areas of Guatemala, so we are not afraid to go off the beaten path (safely of course).

Language and culture camps

I truly wish to find a group for Guatemalan adoptees, but MI doesn't have one. I would make my own, but I am a TERRIBLE organizer.

Availability to books, movies, art, etc that depict Hispanic culture in a positive light.

As he gets older, I want us to do research together about Mayan culture and Guatemala. I would like us to put together a book of the things we learn together. This is in lieu of a scrap book that I would put together. Instead we will do it together. I think this will be a good, interactive way for him to learn about his birth culture and his adoption.

We have been sponsoring a Guatemalan girl for several years already. I would like to continue this and make sure that Gabe is involved in the correspondence. The group that does the sponsoring does do trips so that you can meet your particular child.

I want to make it a point to prepare Guatemalan dishes on a regular basis

Celebrating Guatemalan holidays

Talking, talking, and more talking.

I desperately want him to be proud of his birth culture. I know I cannot be perfect but I will do the best I can to achieve this. If any of you have ideas you would want to share about this, I would be thrilled to hear them. Its silly if we don't try to learn from one another.

OK, I think I answered all of the questions. If you have anymore or want me to expand on anything, let me know.

Typepad Site Access Follow Up

2006-01-11T14:28:00.000-05:00

OK, I think I answered all the password protected site requests. If you sent me an e-mail, but did not receive a reply and would still like to request access, please send me another e-mail. I did have some trouble with Hotmail returning e-mails as undeliverable. Sorry for the inconvenience.

PS - Lesley in Australia. Can you please send me your e-mail address? I don't have it so I couldn't send you the password. Thanks.

The Post in Which There is Excessive Use of Caps

2006-01-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I took a trip to visit the daycare I was planning on using. Unfortunately, its not going to be a good fit for Gabe or for me. I was more than disappointed, I was distraught. I cried all the way home and then sobbed even harder on the phone with Ben. Let's just say snot bubbles were involved in that conversation. I was overwhelmed, stressed, and did not want to leave my baby with anyone else. Add this to the fact that I am expected back in the office in three weeks and I couldn't find a center that either a) accepted infants or b) accepted infants and had an open slot. Fortunately, by the time Ben returned from work I had managed to pull myself back together and set about making some phone calls. All I can say is, when people advise you to start researching child care early......BELIEVE THEM AND DO IT! If I'm being honest here, and I am, I have no one to blame for this predicament but myself. My advice, nail down your child care plans before the little one comes home/is born. You will thank me for this later (e-mails will be fine, no cards necessary).

Anyway, I think I found a place I really like today. Unfortunately, the head infant room teacher was out sick so I need to go back there on Friday to meet her. Unless my overprotective nature deems her psycho, I think this will be the place. Gabe really seemed to like it as well. He played with the other babies and toys and even turned his charm on the other teacher. It was like he had always been there. I could have walked out the door and he wouldn't have even noticed. The bad part is it is much more expensive and if I told you my take home pay after child care you would CRACK UP and ask me WHY BOTHER. I don't like to talk specifics but lets just say it will be in the double digits. Um yeah. Whoopy.

Seriously, I would like to write about something other than child care......but unfortunately, the topic is all consuming at the moment. Hopefully, that is drawing to a quick close though.

Tagged Again

2006-01-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

Julie tagged me so here it goes..

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago I was a senior in high school (shut up, yes I'm young). Loser boyfriend and I had split and I was exerting my new independence with a lot of drinking and partying with a girl I should NOT have trusted. In a few short months, I would ask Ben to prom.

2. What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was at a really low point a year ago. The OGS was heating up, we lost our first referral (bm tested positive for HIV), and we couldn't get our previous craphole agency to give us a notarized copy of our homestudy we had bought and paid for almost a year prior. But things were about to turn around (slightly) because 11 days later Gabe would be born and we would find out about him only 4 days after that.

3. Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Barbeque Chips
2. Chocolate covered pretzels
3. Pumpkin bread
4. Frozen egg rolls (oohh, I could go for that right now)
5. Any other kind of chip, cracker, or salty snack.

4. Five songs to which I know all the lyrics
Just 5....oh man! I'll pick 5 that mean a lot to me.
1. This is your life (Switchfoot)
2. Faith my eyes (Caedmon's Call)
3. Get to me (Train) - This was my Gabe song while we were waiting for him
4. Never had a dream - This was my song about the baby I lost
5. Beautiful (Plankeye)

5. Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Adopt again.......and again another time.
2. I would definitely NOT be going back to work
3. Open the compound (we always joke about this with my IL's and friends). It would be this huge piece of land where Ben's parents, my parents, and our best friends would all have our own houses. It would have water and golfing (for the guys) and we would all be close together.
4. Get rid of the crappy, falling apart Escort
5. Donate a ton more money towards helping Guatemalans

6. Five bad habits:

1. Not doing the dishes. I LOATHE doing dishes.
2. Spending way too much time on the computer
3. Spending too much money on food
4. Eating from boredom and not from hunger
5. Watching way too much TV

7. Five things I like doing:

1. Listening to music
2. Spending time with family
3. Eating
4. Reading
5. Working in the yard

8. Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:

1. Pegged pants or parachute pants for that matter
2. Anything flourescent pink, green, blue, or green
3. Earrings (I'm allergic)
4. Anything that is extremely trendy. I don't do trends (I'm pretty boring like that).
5. Daisy dukes and cropped shirts (um yeah...those days are done)

9. Five favorite toys:
1. Digital camera
2. My computer
3. My TV
4. My stand mixer....I love kitchen gadgets, but this by far is my favorite.
5. My straightener

If you would like to do this go for it. I'm feeling a bit lazy this morning and my coffee is getting cold. Plus, I think I just heard Gabe. The little punk woke me up at 7:15 and then went back to sleep until 8:30. I hate when he does that. But he does sound sweet on the baby moniter shouting "da da dA DA DADADADADADAD".

Its a Date!

2006-01-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

I am proud to announce, finally after almost 6 months, Ben and I are going on a date. I even received a promise from Ben not to talk about how much he misses Gabe, or wonders if he's OK, etc. Its a New Year's miracle. This evening I will be dropping the boy off with family and then Ben and I are going to dinner and a movie. Ah sweet bliss, I don't even remember what it is like to be alone-together anymore.

To be honest, I miss my husband. I miss the long talks we used to have. I miss being silly and going out, and I know he does too. We still have a great relationship but I underestimated how much of a strain kids put on a marriage. Its hard to make that extra effort to connect each day when all I want to do is be by myself for those precious few free hours. Its tough because Gabe pretty much saps me each day. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to give to him. He deserves this and there will come a time when he isn't so needy. However, at the end of the day its difficult to scrape the very bottom of my emotional barrel and say, "I'm sorry love, but this is all I have left."

Like anything else, I guess marriages evolve and change as you move through life. We are still just trying to get a feel for this new path we are on.

Sorry for the Long Delay

2006-01-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

Things have been/are a bit crazy over here. The craziness includes, but is not limited to; out of state family being in state for a few days, the on-going situation (OGS) heating up to panic inducing proportions, and a little plumbing incident that has now left me and The Gabbers with no running water. Not mention, the insanely scary sounds that were coming from our pipes and shaking the entire first floor of our house.

Sigh. I hope this isn't a sign of what 2006 is going to be like.

I have a bunch of ideas running around in my head, I'll try to post in the next day or two when things hopefully settle down a bit.

Small Change of Plans

2005-12-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

I think I may actually keep this site up and running in a modified form. I struggled with password protection because I would still like my site to be available to others, however I did want to protect my son. So here is the plan.

I will be posting the same entries both here and on the Typepad site with a few exceptions. The Typepad site will remain password protected and will contain gratuitous pictures and posts of a more personal nature (such as the on-going situation).

What does this mean?

1. If I have already given you access to the Typepad site, you can ignore this site since it will just be a stripped down duplicate of the Typepad site.

2. If you have my link on your blog, can you please continue to point to this site? I would really appreciate it.

3. If you would like to view the pictures, please send an e-mail to stilhoping12@hotmail.com and tell me a little about yourself and include a link to your site if you have one.

Thanks everyone!

Moving

2005-12-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

Effective immediately, I am moving to a password protected site on Typepad. I will explain the circumstances once over there.

If you would like access to the Typepad site, please e-mail me(stilhoping12@hotmail.com) and tell me a little bit about yourself, and a link to your site, if you have one.

Thank you so much for your interest in my story to date. I hope we can continue this journey together in a new, safer environment.

I have deleted all the pictures, but I will leave this site up for awhile.

Kim

Hooray for Kritter!

2005-12-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

My friend Kritter received her referral for a baby boy! Hooray!

She and I "met" on a "2+ years of TTC" board a few years ago and now we both are/will be proud adoptive mamas of Guatemalan cuties.

Congratulations again!

Tragic

2005-12-19T13:14:00.000-05:00

Early this morning a 16 year old girl was trapped in a fire in her house and died. Her mother escaped with minor injuries. I can't stop thinking about this girl, especially since I can see from my living room window the house all boarded up. I can also see an ever changing group of teenagers huddled together outside of the house, crying and signing a poster board taped to the house.

If you are of the praying sort, please pray for this girl's family and friends.

Sensitive Frustrations

2005-12-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

Recently, I commented on a blog regarding openess in adoption. My comment stated that one of the reasons we adopted internationally was due to the fact that we didn't want to deal with the openness issue and how now, I am sad that Gabe will never have the chance to know his birth family. A later commenter somewhat responded to my comment to the effect that they wished they had a new pair of shoes for each time an international adopter expressed these same sentiments (paraphrased).

Ever since I read that I've been a bit miffed about the comment. As always I recognize that tone is hard to read so maybe the comment was harmless but it felt judgmental to me. I decided to write about it so that maybe it will stop bugging me. The purpose is not to attack the commenter.

We chose to adopt internationally for many, many reasons. When we initially began researching adoption, the plan was to adopt domestically. However, as we learned about the process we felt overwhelmed. The idea of openness, marketing ourselves, worrying about being chosen, no clear timeline, etc. was just too much with the pain of IF still so fresh. These initial reactions are what started us on the path of international. Once we really began looking at what we were OK with we decided the following:

1. We didn't feel the need to have a newborn. We did want a baby, but not necessarily a newborn.
2. We did not feel the need to have a child that matched our race.
3. Having already spent time in Guatemala, living with boarder families and in the remote villages, we felt we had a tie and strong appreciation for the culture.
4. We liked the fact that international adoptions had somewhat of a timeline (barring unforeseen changes).
5. There were babies there that needed families. (I know that this is also the case in the US as well).
6. International adoption felt right. Every time I thought about it, I became excited and hopeful. I did not feel the same excitement when I thought of adopting domestically.

There were many other reasons but these were the big ones. You see, it wasn't the openness issue that caused us to adopt internationally. It just happened to be one of the factors that started us looking in that direction in the first place. We were not being flip in our decision. There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that went into the decisions that we made. We recognized that these decisions did not only impact us, but any child that became part of our family. I do not regret our decision to adopt internationally at all. It was absolutely the right decision for this family, and I truly believe, for Gabriel.

I never, for even one moment, thought I could not deal with my future child's birth family. By that I mean, I would never disregard Gabe's feelings for them. I never planned to pretend like such feelings didn't exist. I was well aware of the fact that in order to be a good parent to Gabe, we would all have to be open and honest about his birth family. We were going to need to have clear, open lines of communication. I still haven't figured out the exact right way to honor them outwardly so that Gabe will always know how much they are valued by all of us. I think part of that will be a learning process as we go, but it will be. I think about Gabe's birth mother every day. I wonder how she is doing. I pray that she is healthy, that her employers are treating her well, that she feels at peace with her decision to release Gabe. I wish I could thank her and tell her I'm trying to be the very best mother I can be. It is amazing how we will always be connected even though all I have is a Polaroid picture of her. Her face is burned into my memory and always will be. I can also say with 100% certainty, that if Gabe ever wanted to try and find her, I would do my very best to help him. I would be there with him every step of the way.

What I have learned since Gabe's arrival home is that I would have eventually embraced an open adoption had we chosen the domestic route. However, we didn't choose that route, and in most international adoptions, it just isn't an option. No matter how much I wish it could be.

I guess what really frustrated me about this was that it felt like another case of feeling the need to justify the choices we made for our own family. I wish adoptive parents could bond together and support one another instead of judging each other.**

**This comment isn't directed at the above mentioned commenter. Like I said, it is hard to know tone on the internet. I did send her an e-mail but did not receive a response. That is fine, as a commenter on someone else's blog, she absolutely does not owe me a response.

Tagged

2005-12-13T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by AfriIndie Mum so I thought I would give it a go.

Seven things to do before I die (not in order of priority):

1. Adopt at least one more child
2. Go on another service based mission trip
3. Move out of this house
4. Visit the Grand Canyon
5. Complete at least one of my quilts
6. Make a good pie crust....without swearing
7. Learn how to ask for help

Seven things I cannot do:

1. Sing well
2. Have any self control regarding food
3. Anything artistic
4. Math in my head
5. Give estimates (Particularily troubling when you are an accountant because people are always asking for estimates. Ex: How much R&D do you think will be allocated to US sources in 2006...or.... how long will it take you to do XYZ).
6. Quickly tell time on a analog watch
7. Hit any sort of ball with an object (golf, baseball etc)

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:

1. He's HOT
2. His singing voice
3. His goofiness
4. His chin dimple
5. The fact that he is a stinking genius
6. He's an amazing dad and husband
7. Even though he has an office job he can still fix things around the house

Seven things I say most often:

1. PEDRO!!!!! You're a bad cat
2. I love you, honey
3. You're a silly boy
4. Gabey....or Gabbers
5. Sweet Mother!
6. Don't bite
7. What's wrong baby
(Can you tell I stay home and don't get out much)

Seven books (or series) I love:

1. Little House on the Prairie series (my favorites as a kid)
2. Redeeming Love
3. Gone with the Wind (the book is so much better than the movie)
4. The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers
5. Memoirs of a Geisha (I'm so excited they made a movie. I read the book a few years ago and loved it.)
6. She is Me (I don't know why but I loved this book.)
7. A Wrinkle in Time

Seven movies I watch over and over again:

1. Office Space
2. Pieces of April (I LOVE that movie as well! I cry everytime the parents leave.)
3. The Sound of Music
4. Planes Trains and Automobiles
5. 10 Things I Hate About You (Heath Ledger...enough said)
6. Can't Hardly Wait ("Why you gotta steal my flava")
7. About a Boy

Seven people I'm curious about that I'd like to join in:

1. My BFF Liz
2. Lesley
3. Pezmama
4. Kritter (I don't know if you are public with your name or not)
5. Tiffani
6. Erin
7. OK, I could only come up with 6 that I think have not been tagged yet.

Its Like Where's Waldo Only With Socks

2005-12-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote a very loooong, thought out post regarding the on-going situation. I published it and then began reading The Lion the Witch and Wardrobe (What's the protocol here, italics? quotes? I was always terrible with these rules). After five minutes, I returned to the office and moved the post back into draft form. I am just too afraid of someone running across my blog who may know the person involved in the situation. In all fairness, it isn't my story to tell. Unfortunately the part I want to tell, how it effects me,is my story. However, it cannot be told without jeopardizing the other person.

Ho Hum.

Soooo, I'm sorry folks but all you get today are Gabe pictures. I know, I know, you are very disappointed I'm sure.

The boy does not have a security blanket or a favorite stuffed animal. However, he loves to hold a sock and suck his thumb. A lot of the time he will just leave the sock in his mouth and play, like the photo above. It doesn't have to be any specific sock, any old sock will do, but he prefers the ones that are on his feet. For this reason, we were going through about 6 pairs of socks a day. I swear, he's quick like lightening, whipping them off and making them thoroughly soggy. I bought slippers for him and they worked for awhile until he learned how to pull them off as well. Now, I just leave him barefoot and at night, footie pajamas are a must. Some battles, you just can't win.

Just for fun, can you find all 9 socks in the four pictures below?

The Post in Which I Make the WORST Analogy EVER

2005-12-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

I've noticed a trend with adoption blogs. Most people don't write about the bonding process after arrival home (I'm thinking about international adoptions specifically). There is a lot of talk of daily life and milestones, etc. but not a lot of talk of bonding. I wonder why that is? As a result, I thought I would write up a little diddy about bonding with Gabe, post arriving home.

The interesting thing about bonding in my opinion, is that you have nothing to compare it to. Therefore, its hard to tell whether its going well or not. Granted, I think it would be obvious if there were major problems, but not necessarily small bumps in the road. I think this is made even harder if the child is your first because you don't know what is normal baby behavior versus bonding issues.

Looking back (gosh its hard to remember) the first six weeks after arriving home were HARD. I didn't realize how hard they were until things got better. I think it took six weeks before we could get a good schedule down and figure out feeding and sleeping. It also took this long before Gabe felt safe, in my opinion. During these six weeks he cried a lot and had many cranky days. He would be cranky for five days and just when I thought this was how it was going to be forever, he would have a great day on the sixth day. I remember thinking often that I had made a mistake. That maybe I didn't want to be a mother after all. I felt despondent because I knew that this decision could not be undone. I can honestly say that I did not bond to Gabe until after these first six weeks passed. I can also honestly say that I suffered from a mild form of post adoption depression. I lived most days hour to hour and looking forward to the times when he was sleeping.

After the first two months, I felt more comfortable being a mom. I fell in love with Gabe during this time. He began to grow and learn. He started interacting with us more and more. He LOVED Ben. He was clearly daddy's boy. He would let me care for him and would interact with me, but didn't really care whether it was me there or not. As soon as dad came home he would get excited and cheer up a bit if he was cranky. He would hug Ben and kick his feet when he saw him. I always felt mildly concerned about this and would tell Ben daily, "I don't think Gabe likes me". I didn't think he disliked me, I would describe it more as indifferent. I didn't get concerned enough to ask for help because I had a ton of reasons in my head why this was the case. Maybe this was his personality, or maybe this was how babies are at this age, maybe its because I stay home with him and he's just tired of seeing boring old mom. The thing was, I had no comparisons.

In the last month things have shifted considerably. Even Ben commented on how his interaction with me has changed. Gabe has become quite the cuddle bug. He wants to spend a ton of time sitting on my lap, sucking his thumb. Whereas before, he would never sit on my lap. He has started looking to me for comfort and reaching out to me when Ben is holding him. He now gets excited when I come home from grocery shopping and checks the room to make sure I'm still there, smiling and pointing at me once he sees me. He's finally allowing me to become his mama. Outsiders wouldn't really notice the difference because its subtle, but its definitely there. Even my mom doesn't believe me. Similar to my realization after the first six weeks that things weren't always going to be that hard, I've now had a realization that Gabe wasn't fully bonded to me. It just took things getting better for me to see that they weren't all there in the first place.

I guess its kind of like dishwashers.........stay with me here.........All those years people washed dishes by hand. Then, one day they bought a dishwasher and thought, "Man, washing all those dishes by hand sucked. I didn't realize how much work it was until I bought this here dishwashing machine."

Yeah, its just like that. Hey, I told you it was the worst analogy EVER.

Thankful

2005-11-24T07:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so very thankful for the following:

1. My wonderful, amazing husband. You are still #1 on this list because without you, the rest of this wouldn't be as important.

2. My beautiful, perfect son. I'm so happy that you are home with us.

3. Our family

4. Chasen and Liz (Why can't we do Thanksgiving with friends again? Oh, that's right..........)

5. Having all of our needs and many of our wants met

6. Our church family and other friends

7. The ability to laugh even when things are hard as well as the ability to have fun even in the simple things.

8. The health of myself and my family

9. The many opportunities that make life interesting.

10. The ability to eat these pies later!

11. Witnessing Gabe's first snow fall yesterday.

Time to go flip the bird (in the brine, I mean)

Hooray for Thanksgiving Day

2005-11-23T07:29:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be hosting Thanksgiving here on Thursday for my parents. It will be the third time I've cooked and I love doing it. By far its my favorite holiday. We pretty much stick to tradition around here menu-wise.

Turkey (the Alton Brown brining method)
Mushroom stuffing (grandma's recipe)
Candied Yams (of course...this is the best part if you ask me. From scratch with marshmallows)
Baked Beans (this is a staple for every holiday meal for some reason)
Sweet and Sour Green Beans (this is my flair dish)
Rolls
Salad
Apple & Pumpkin Pies (from scratch)

My mom is cooking the beans, rolls, and bringing the salad. I'm doing the rest.

I can't wait to watch Detroit's Thanksgiving Day parade with Gabe (not that he will care). My brother and I used to watch it when we were little, sharing my dad's recliner and a blanket while my parents slept in. I watch it every year. One year, when I was about 10 we went down to Detroit and watched it live. It was really cold and I was wearing a powder blue one piece snow suit. The first year I was married, and Ben was still working nights, I repeatedly went into the bedroom to wake him up so he would watch it with me. He mostly just moaned and rolled back over. I was persistent though, "Ben, come quick, Carmen Harlan is singing 'Who Let the Dogs Out' and its terrible. You have to see this!". Unfortunately, I wasn't very convincing.

So today I have a bazillion things to do including but not limited to cleaning house, finishing the laundry, quick thawing my turkey, preparing the brine, marinating the green beans, and baking the pies. Unfortunately, there is always swearing involved when I make homemade pie crusts. I SUCK at crusts. I can NEVER get them rolled out properly without some sort of fiasco of epic proportions. Its unreal. Ben won't even come into the kitchen when I'm making crusts. So why don't I just use a premade crust, you ask? Because I have a personal vendetta against pie crusts, that is why! I will beat the crusts some day.....some day. I will not be defeated, I will prevail. Did I ever mention, I hate to fail? I would also like to mention the wonderful sainthoodness of my hot husband. Yesterday, he cleaned the entire kitchen (including scrubbing the sinks) so that I could have a nice fresh start prior to my kitchen destruction 2005. I think I'll keep him.

This will be my favorite Thanksgiving ever. I finally have my son with me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Confessions

2005-11-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

In an effort to not talk about the on going situation that is plaguing my life. I bring you a few dark confessions:

1. I wish we could celebrate Thanksgiving just the three of us.

2. There are days that I don't want to be mom.

3. I'm secretly jealous of parents with babies that crawl, even though I say it doesn't bother me that Gabe doesn't want to crawl.

4. Somedays at 6:30AM when I hear the boy on the monitor, the thought of getting up, making a bottle, and changing Gabe's diaper is overwhelming.

5. I wish Ben was more comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter so that we could go on a date (how is that for backwards). We haven't gone out alone once in the 4 months that Gabe has been home.

6. I'm still mad that the size of my family is going to be decided by money. I really wanted to have 3 kids, but will be lucky to have 2.

7. I don't want to deal with the on going situation anymore and just wish that we could pack up our house and disappear so that no one could find us.

8. I could really use some alone time, but I always feel guilty because usually taking alone time means that I'm not spending time with my husband who deserves it.

9. I feel like I'm a boring person to be around.

10. Gabe is in a phase where he leaves him mouth open with his tongue hanging out. This phase is driving me crazy and I keep poking it back in with my finger. Seriously, I'm a horrible mother.

11. I wish I could lose 10 pounds.

10 Months Old

2005-11-18T15:41:00.000-05:00

Can you believe the boy turned 10 months old yesterday? I swear he was just 6 months old and arriving home. He's almost 1....holy crap.

Gabe had his 9/10 month check up yesterday (no shots thankfully). He is still in the 10-25% bracket for height, weight, and head circumference but the doctor said he's growing at a normal pace. He's just not going to be a big boy....but I already knew that. The doctor said he looks healthy with just some excema. He wasn't concerned at all about him not crawling and simply said as long as he's learning new things we shouldn't worry.

He certainly is learning new things. He now stands next to tables/chairs/his exersaucer. Unfortunately, he doesn't always bend at the waist when he falls. This is kind of a pain because he always wants to stand so you always have to be next to him paying close attention. He doesn't yet cruise around the furniture but he will. He also walks while holding on to your fingers. Its pretty funny because he lifts his left leg really high when he steps, but then steps normally with his right leg. My thought is he's not going to crawl, but will just walk instead. However, I'm not really sure how he's going to stand up since he can't pull himself up (since he doesn't crawl or lean on his knees). The moral of this story is, he just has to do everything his own way....the hard way.

Sorry to be MIA

2005-11-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted much lately. I've been dealing with some on going family stuff that I can't post about here. I looked into password protecting the blog so that I could write about it, but Blogger doesn't offer that as a feature. I promise to be back in a few days when I can devote some mental energy to something other than the on going situation.

Finally!

2005-11-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

After a year, I finally finished the top panel of my quilt. I'm making it for Gabe's big boy bed. It certainly isn't perfect. The diamond border strips were killing me, I could NOT get them to line up but I refused to rip them out another time. Otherwise, I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out. I don't know if you can tell or not but the shades of blue go from darker to lighter as you go up the quilt to simulate twilight. I'm not very good at arranging fabric to capture that (since I am NOT artistic AT ALL). I'm going to quilt it by hand in different sized swirls in hopes of making it look like wind blowing through the stars. We will see if I can actually accomplish that. Hopefully, I will complete it by the time he's ready to move into a real bed.

Full View

Here's a close up view of some of the fabrics....oh and OCD cat as well. I always have help when I'm working on quilts (can you see the paws in the picture above?)

When Your Past Locates Your Present and Gives You a Ring

2005-11-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

Yick!

Yesterday, I was playing with Gabe trying to coax him into crawling (to absolutely no avail) when the phone rings. "It must be daddy" I say to Gabe in that high pitch baby voice that annoys me greatly (I need to stop that, really).

Nope, it wasn't daddy that's for sure.

Caller: Hi Kim, its "ex boyfriend" (that would be number 2 from this post

Me: How did you get this number?

That's just weird. I haven't talked to this guy since I lived with my parents. He's married and has two kids. Why does he feel the need to track me down and give me a ring? Apparently, he was "closing some windows on the past". Uh, didn't that happen when I was 17? Evidently, he must still think of me fondly. I find this somewhat amusing considering I don't have a single good memory of him, not a one.

I hope he doesn't know about this blog. That would be creepy.

Depressed

2005-11-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

First off, my wonderful BFF Liz (that would be Liz, the creator of my new do) started a blog. So if you have time, stop by and say hi.

Now on to the less happy stuff.

Well, we've run out of sacrifices to be made here at the Boy Makes Three household. I really thought we could maybe pull this one out of our butt, but it isn't going to happen. Today Ben found out he can no longer work overtime (without the big shot's permission) so essentially he's taking a pay cut. Now our already strained finances are surely blown and I have to get a job. You know what folks, that SUCKS! The whole five years we went through IF and then the adoption, I looked forward to staying home. We worked hard to try to make that happen. We failed. I hate failing, HATE IT!

We don't want to put Gabe in day care because quite honestly, neither of us think he will do well with that. I don't think that day care is bad, so this is not in any way a judgment. Hell, I'm a child of day care and I turned out fine, despite some really crappy sitters. So basically, that leaves me working nights and weekends and Ben and I no longer seeing each other. You know what, we've done that before and it sucked ass.

I just want to cry. I won't though, I will deal with it the same way I dealt with all the other garbage that has happened in my life. I'll get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other, and do what I have to do. What other choice do I have?

Like I said, we ran out of sacrifices. We don't shop for clothes etc, we buy groceries off brand and on sale. We don't take vacations, don't spend money going out, we don't even rent movies. We own one crappy Escort that is paid off (and falling apart) and our Escape we bought on A-plan when I was working for Ford. We can't sell it because the proceeds wouldn't pay off the loan. We would only save $200 a month by selling our house and renting a one bedroom apartment. Our only luxuries are cable and internet which isn't going to get us there either.

I'm sure many are thinking, "So what, I had to go back to work. Quit your whining!" If you are thinking that, please don't voice that in my comments. I don't have a problem with working. This was a goal I was striving towards and sacrificing for and it isn't going to happen. I'm allowed to be disappointed. It feels like another of life's dreams being ripped out from under me. I'm allowed to be upset about that.

I am upset about that.